Since winning The Biggest Loser, I’ve spoken in 7 countries and 40 states about my journey. The experience has been awesome, but a look at my life made me consider a change. I was ready to get back to my roots in Land Surveying and stay home for a while, choosing moments. All that time away changing others’ lives was sometimes at the cost of the very ones I loved most! My wife Darci, my son David, and my daughter Mary Claire are my family. I want nothing more than to see them happy, but at times I was barely seeing them at all! I decided 100 flights a year was no longer going to work, and it was time for a more stable situation so I didn’t miss their life.
What caused me to come to this conclusion? Looking at my life from different perspectives. When I was in Buffalo Gap, Texas at Shades of Hope Treatment Center, Tennie McCarty reminded me to hit the pause button when things get tough. So one day when I felt stressed about leaving when my family needed me to stay home, I hit the pause button. I just rested in the fact of where I was, what I could control and what I couldn’t control. I had signed a contract, so I had to go. What that moment caused me to do was amazing. Let me explain.
Moments are a matter of time
Our lives are made up of moments – moments of our life’s history. It is also made up of future moments. Where are we going to be a year from now – or even 10 years from now? I know I can’t control the past, so what good is it to worry? I can, however, control my future. So what can I do to change my situation now? What if I continue to chase my dreams like this? And what will that cost me?
These are all choices that I have to make, and I used Tennie’s advice to deal with it. I remembered back when I had a cassette recorder as a kid, and the buttons that were on it. There was a play button, rewind, fast forward, pause, and record. I decided explore how I could use these buttons to help me answer all of those questions. The following is what I discovered.
Pausing the moment
Hitting the pause button allows you to stop, think and feel. Sometimes we don’t take the time to do that. We bulldoze through our life, reliving the same situations over and over again. Just by pausing, you may see something you have missed. Have you ever heard “stop and smell the roses?” How many times have we pressed on without stopping, thinking and allowing ourselves to feel instead of stuffing feelings and moving on? Thinking things through can often lead to insight and peace with where you are right now, as well as whether or not where you are is what you intended or want.
Fast Forward to a future moment
By fast forwarding, we can see the possible results of our decisions. Instead of acting automatically I like to pause for a moment, and then fast forward to where I might end up, how I will feel, and who it will affect. “If I eat that cake, I’ll regret that decisions long after the thrill is gone.” Too many times we give up what we really want for what we want right now. Is this choice going to move me a step closer to my goal or perhaps stall me – or even move me further away? Darci once asked a recovered alcoholic how he had 4 years success with sobriety. He told her, “I fast forward to the next morning and how I will feel. I hate hangovers, and my day will be wasted. I’ll also feel terrible inside. It helps me choose not to drink.”
This is great to do, but choosing to live only for the future may also cause us to miss the opportunities of the present. Chasing your dreams and goals at the cost of the present moment comes with a price. In Ecclesiastes 1, it talks of all we do to strive, and when you finally catch your dreams that it was all chasing the wind. It’s the experience I want to savor– the journey – not the prize. For me, the Journey is the prize.
Rewinding to the past
Hitting the rewind button has benefits, but also can be dangerous. For a time after winning The Biggest Loser, I chose to live in the past. I was the Biggest Loser ever, and the world champion of something! That accomplishment was incredible, but it also came with a cost. I had to learn that is was not me, but it was an event. It did not define me, but was a great accomplishment. The danger of me continually hitting the rewind button to that moment could make me miss the current moment, and cost me the future I truly wanted. It is now time to move on with my life. I’ll always be the Biggest Loser, but I refuse to live in the past. If I continue to celebrate my past victory, I may miss the opportunity to create new victories.
From a different perspective, we may also be able to hit the rewind button to revisit a time of strength and motivation. We may need that motivation right now. Rewinding to moments of victory can inspire us to new heights, and remind us of just how far we’ve come!
Even further, if we continually hit the rewind button to revisit past abuse, pain or negative events of our life, it can cause us to re-create our “pit” and lead us to remain in it. Revisiting past events to remind us what we conquered is good, but we must be diligent not to create what we most fear and do not want.
Choosing to play
Choosing to play means stepping into your purpose – now – not in the future and not in the past. Where can we make a difference now? Who do we believe we are called to help? Who is most important to us, and are we choosing other purposes over them? Sometimes, focusing on making a difference in things at the cost of who and what is most important to us can cause us to miss our life.
When we record
Choose to live in the moment and make memories. Each moment we make important is being recorded, so we should chose to focus on making good memories. Choosing to make good memories and not bad memories is often a choice that we control. Sure, there will be memories that aren’t good and that we can’t control. And there will be choices we can make to create those positive memories that will propel us into our true purpose.
Choosing the moment
Choosing the moment is an important choice. And doing that means we need to first hit pause and stop, think and feel. Then choose to rewind to a past experience for strength, motivation and hope. Fast forward and think about the consequences of your choice, how and who it will affect, and whether it moves you closer to your goal or further from your goal. Don’t “chase the wind” at the cost of the moment. Your purpose is now, where you are. Not at some distant point in the future, or in a better situation. Choose to play right where you are, with the people God has put in your life, and in turn record great memories that will be stepping stones to what you truly want.
I’m choosing that right now. I didn’t crave going back into Land Surveying. I don’t hate it – I love it! But would it cost me my dreams? I kept telling myself that, and in turn I was costing myself my true dream – my family. My kids are going to get the father they need and deserve. My wife is going to get the husband she desires and craves. God is going to get the Danny that will change the lives of whomever crosses his path – whether it be in 7 countries and 40 states, or right here in front of me. I’m still going to travel and speak – only less. I’m planting myself here in Tulsa for now, and I’m fine with that!
Don’t miss your life. Sign up for The Journey Training and learn what you might be giving up – and what you might gain in the process! Hitting the pause button for a weekend might propel you into the life you really want!
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Making Your Marriage remarkable! It’s SUPER easy! One thing I am good at is taking a normal thing, and making it explode. Make it huge, make it……remarkable. Think about this. There is a reason you remember certain things; it stirred you emotionally. It made you laugh, it made you cry, it made you mad, get the point?
Last week was our 21st wedding anniversary. I am a huge believer that everything we do must have balance. Recently, my wife and I made financial decisions and it put us in a position of being tight on funds. On top of that, my Chick-fil-A location was closed for a remodel so that did not help the situation. I was actually stressing out quite a bit, I wanted my bride to feel cherished, and important. What would it say if I said “Can we do ramen noodles for our anniversary dinner?”
Fortunately I have an AWESOME wife, she mentioned she had gone through several boxes and found a bunch of different gift cards and suggested we use them. We then combined all her and my cards. We had everything from gift cards for make up to Toys-R-Us, to massages.
At one point we actually thought about just going to dinner, and coming home. We had a lot to do in order to get ready for The Journey Training, and we were about to give up. At that point I pushed forward and suggested a couple of things, starting with dinner. Noell had posted it on FB, and we had gotten some suggestions, so we decided to take action.
We chose The Vintage Pearl first. My wife loves their jewelry, and we had fun looking at everything and finished it with her getting a necklace and us spending $0.
We then went to Waterfront Grill, Chef Jimmy Blacketer is a friend of mine, and his team was awesome. We used a GC that Noell had, and paid $0. Noell let me order for her, and while we were at dinner we created a plan for the rest of the evening.
Next stop Toys R Us- We had 2 gift certificates for there for some reason, so we found a 24-inch stand up batman that we bought for fun and to give to one of our kids.
Then we went to Mardel’s, and got a Willow Tree figurine, to add to my wife’s collection. All along this journey we took selfies of us, and now of us and Batman, to entertain everyone on FB.
We then went to Wal-Mart to get one of our great friends a pack of depends. Yes, we said depends. We joke with her all the time about her bladder size, so we used our GC for Wal-Mart and got some depends for her.
Our 2nd to last stop was Freckles Frozen Custard, we got some custard for us, and for our kids. Then we went home, and I did not have a gift card for what came next……
Here are a couple of tips:
When are you going on a date? Oh, you don’t have time? When I bought S. Truett Cathy he said to me, you can always tell what is important to a man when you look at where they invest their treasure, (of course we mean money) and where they put their time. If you want your marriage to be remarkable, spend time on it.
Take time to plan. Life is too busy, we tend to try to make life plans while were dropping off the kids, or making dinner. I GUARANTEE if you spent 30 minutes, un-interrupted, you could make some of the coolest dates. If you don’t believe it, try it, and if you still cant think of anything, call me. 918-606-1068
It does not have to cost much. Incredible dates, or “REMARK”able moments are due to something special, not something you had to pay for. Seriously, get out a guide book from any Tulsa hotel, it give you tons of free listings, but then, how do you make it REMARKABLE? As Winnie The Pooh says….”think, think, think…”
Your spouse wants to know you LOVE them. It’s about time with them.
You want a remarkable marriage? Create it!!
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“Well son, it was a little bit of hell, a little bit of fun, a little bit of excitement, a little boring at times; it was a little of everything – just like life.”
This answer sticks with us to this day, because our lives turned out to be one battle after another. We had to learn how to fight and keep on fighting, how to win, how to rejoice and be thankful – and then how to do it all over again. (From the opening of Losing Big, by Danny & Darci Cahill)
Remembering is important
Memories are powerful tools. They can help us avoid pain, allow us to succeed at tasks, and keep us on track. They also have another purpose: remembering the sacrifice of others. On this Memorial Day, I reflected about what might have happened had the greatest generation not sacrificed so greatly.
I didn’t have much of a relationship with my Grandpa Charlie. He suffered from alcoholism and I rarely saw him. Because of this, many memories of him aren’t great. But I remember one Christmas when he was there. I was looking at the Nazi bayonet he’d brought back from World War II and asked him, “Grandpa, what was the war like?” And I got a great gift in his answer. However, it took me years to understand it.
Now on Memorial Day I remember what my grandpa did during World War II. I choose to remember him as a hero and not for the mistakes he made. Perhaps we should choose to do that more with the people in our lives – especially ourselves.
Monuments of Memorial
When our son David was eight, he was hospitalized with Stevens-Johnson syndrome. If you don’t know what that is, I pray you never have to find out. In late stages the death rate is high. We were unsure of his future, and also unsure of what he’d face if he survived. He was misdiagnosed until an infectious disease specialist walked in, looked at him, and immediately knew what it was. He had recently treated the only other known case in Tulsa a year before. David wasn’t out of the woods, but with that diagnosis he had a chance! Today he is perfectly normal! When I need to know that we’ll make it through, I remember what God did for David – He’s a monument of memorial.
A Marriage Monument
Sometimes it can seem all is lost when we find ourselves in seemingly hopeless situations. When Darci and I wrote Losing Big, we weren’t sure what to expect, but the process of reliving those pain and victories in our past became a memorial of what God has done in our lives. We are still fighting that war called life. And in those moments of hopelessness, we need to remember how God rescued us and helped us overcome.
In Losing Big, Darci and I tell the story of our marriage, 6-months in. When we were ready to give up, God intervened. It happened the morning after a horrible night. While lying in bed, we were staring at the ceiling feeling hopeless when I said, “Something’s got to change.”
Darci paused. Then she replied, “I want to go back to church.”
Darci threw in the towel – not for our marriage – but for trying to do it alone. She knew in her heart that although it seemed impossible, with God all things are possible! (Matt 19:26) With that single decision, our marriage was set on a course for success. Was it easy? No. But we had a solid foundation to place everything on. Even when we didn’t trust each other at times, we could choose to trust God. And that was enough. We slowly began to see each other how God saw us – fearfully and wonderfully made.
Build a Monument of Memorial so you won’t forget
In Joshua 3, God stopped the flow of the Jordan River to allow the nation of Israel to cross. He then instructed them to bring 12 stones from its bottom to the shore. Here’s what happened next: (Joshua 4:6-7) “We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.”
So that we don’t forget, we celebrate Memorial Day each year to honor the fallen of our country. It is because of their sacrifice that we live in the greatest nation on earth. Everyday life can make us forget, so we need a Memorial Day to remember.
Make yourself a Monument of Memorial
In typical The Journey Training fashion, I’d like to ask you to do something. Take a piece of paper and write a few incredible things God has done for you in your life. Then find something to represent and memorialize those events. I use a polished stone for David, a 1944 Dime for my grandpa, and a list of 10 beautiful things I keep on my phone for Darci. When I need hope, I pull them out. The stone for my son – that God will make all things work together for our good. The dime for my grandpa, that there is a calling on our life no matter what mistakes we make. And the list for my wife – that God has given me the perfect wife, even when shallow vision may think otherwise.
These memorials help me through those tough times – those times when it seems there is no hope. And with them I remember that there is always hope.
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How hard is it for you to make a change? Well, let me tell you a story about just that. In 2001 while attending a Chick-fil-A seminar, I remember S. Truett Cathy telling us something that would take Chick-fil-A to a higher level. Truett had recently visited the Ritz Carlton Hotel. He said that while he was there, he heard them say….wait for it…….MY PLEASURE. Truett said, what if we were to say “My Pleasure” at Chick-fil-a. I thought it was a fantastic idea. I came back to the restaurant with all the spunk and excitement of someone with a brand new idea still; it was really tough to make this happen. I thought if I just told my team this is what we were doing, I could achieve it. Set it in motion, I was wrong. Then I recalled how to boil a frog.
If you want to boil a frog, and you boil water and throw it in the pot, it will launch itself out of the pot using its spring like legs. If you put it in the pot in luke warm water and slowly increase the temperature, it will just sit there, allowing you to boil your frog.
If you’re going to implement change focus on two major points:
Establish what you want to happen and share it with key personnel. Allow them to train others on what your expectations are, while monitoring progress with personnel.
Set a goal for “the change” in mind, but know this, it will take longer than you expect, it will probably cost more than you want to, and be harder than you think. I recently saw a video from Truett that showed how he had told operators this and for every seminar after that for 12 times. You would think that when the owner of a business says to make this happen you would, but change is hard, even for a company like Chick-fil-A.
If you are looking for change in your life, try these things.
Set small achievable goals on what you want to do. (This needs to achievable)
Make it happen, and add a little more to it.
Make that happen and add a little more to that.
This is applicable in all areas of your life. Weight loss, finances, time with your spouse, etc.
If you think that you are going to change everything in one fell swoop, you’re sadly mistaken. All you will find is frustration. If you need to make a change, how can you boil your frog?
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Most of my problems in life never happened. I worry about things before a problem exists! I’m sure many can relate to this, but we all have real problems that do exist, and I’ve found that my narrow-mindedness is often the reason I get stuck in my problem.
I can’t be wrong
Most of the time when we hear something that goes against our beliefs, we automatically defend our position. It’s a natural trait. We were born to be right! But sometimes, being right can also cause you to stay wrong. Have you ever fought for your point of view only to finally look up the facts and realize you were wrong? I do it often. And it always reminds me of the wasted time I spent defending my wrong beliefs.
Just last week I was hiking with my boot camp on Turkey Mountain in West Tulsa. I was so sure we were supposed to go straight, but Mary said, “I think this is where we turn right.” I immediately began explaining why I knew we were to go straight. She gave in and we got lost. Turned out that we were supposed to turn right. And our hike ended up lasting longer than either of us expected or wanted! After the hike, she told me, “I saw a paint mark on that tree, and that’s why I knew we should have turned right.” I said, “Why didn’t you say something?” She answered, “I did, but you were so busy explaining why you were right that you didn’t hear me.”
Wrong can be beautiful.
There are times in life I wished I was wrong. When I thought I’d overdrawn my bank account, I prayed to be wrong; and I was! I’m wrong, Awesome! Let me explain another way.
If you are too narrow-minded to consider the possibility that you may be wrong, could you be deterring your own success? I see it every day; and I see it every day because I’m often guilty of it! You see, when there is a problem or a “road block” to something, it wouldn’t be a problem if you knew exactly how to solve it. First, you must open your mind and consider all of the possibilities. Sometimes, you may be looking at something from a wrong perspective – or from a viewpoint in which you just can’t see the answer – even when the answer is staring right at you. Many times our past experiences cause up to make up the story that we’re right when we’re actually far from it!
When Arthur and I get together, he tends to get frustrated with me. The nature of my job for the past 35 years has been to find out what’s wrong with something and fix it. I am a Land Surveyor and a musician. If I let a mistake go by, it could cost millions – or make a song sound really bad! So I have become very good at seeing the one thing – or note – that’s wrong, and it sometimes impairs my ability to see the things that are right. This can have value, but it also can be detrimental!
Arthur hates it when he brings an idea to the table and the first thing I say is, “Well, that won’t work because…” He says it frustrates progress. Why? Because it’s not whether the idea will work or not, but sometimes the most beautiful and powerful things were created through something that didn’t work or was a mistake – or perhaps just outside the box. If we are determined to immediately point out the flaw, something incredible might be forgotten before a different perspective can be seen and an amazing solution can come to light. Sometimes you need to stare at a problem for a while to see the solution. I tend to move on to a solvable problem that my intellect agrees with and leave the problem I’m so sure won’t work behind. And the result is often a missed opportunity. I’ve learned with Arthur to say, “That just may be crazy enough to work!”
Wrong can be AWESOME!
How in the world can being wrong be awesome? When you have an open mind. There have been few successes without failure first.
WD-40 hit store shelves in 1958. Almost everyone has seen WD-40 at the store, and there are literally thousands of uses , but the most important thing to know about WD-40 is what the name stands for: Water Displacement perfected on the 40th try. Yes, it took 39 failures to create one of the world’s most known and best-selling products. And it was perfected because of tenacity and open-mindedness – being willing to accept that they were wrong, and looking for other solutions – often where they didn’t expect.
In The Journey Training, we teach that seeing others’ opinions and perspectives is a vital part of life. Sometimes, the perspective of others is exactly what we need to see to choose differently. Each month we see people learn that they are not always right, and that’s a good thing! Sometimes, being willing to see differently is all someone needs to find a solution to the problem they’ve been facing for years.
One of the most shared traits of history’s richest and most successful people is open-mindedness. And that same trait is shared in some of the best marriages, happiest people, and most successful goal achievers. Instead of leaving your next problem behind or choosing to fight for your belief, why not open your mind and choose to see it differently. You just might find the solution you’ve been looking for!
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My oldest son came home from school today with his graduation cap and gown. He is a senior and will graduate 3 days after Mother’s day. I feel a combination of joy, sadness, pride, ….and nausea! Do my kids really NEED me?
Whenever my kids have a champion moment that signifies they are growing up, I am so proud of them and happy for their future, but…it adds to a growing feeling that I am becoming less and less needed in their lives.
I decided that the best way to find out what they need from me, their mom, was to ask them, so I did and here is what they said:
My 18 year old son, Connor said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Advice, not instruction – “I want and need your advice from your life experiences….I also want to make my own mistakes.”
Privacy – “Knock before coming in my room…and then wait for me to say come in. I’m not hiding anything, I just need some privacy”
Respect my time and schedule – “I like being able to help you out, I just don’t like it when you assume I don’t have plans and you plan something for me.”
Communicate Family Plans – “I actually like family time, I just want to be able to plan around it, otherwise, it makes family time feel like frustration rather than fun.”
Positive Reinforcement – “ I need to be told when I do something right, not just when I do something wrong. I need to know you are proud of me”
Love – “I know you love me when you support my ideas and when you tell me you love me.”
My 16 year old son, Casey said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Communicate Family Plans – “I really like our family time, but I don’t like canceling my plans because I wasn’t told family plans have been made.”
Support – “I need your support when I have a new idea! I need encouragement and you to help me not quit when I want to give up.”
Support – “I also want your support by you going to my school functions and my orchestra concerts and me. It makes me feel like you are proud of me.”
Hugs – “Believe it or not, I like it when you hug me….even in public!! It doesn’t embarrass me, it just lets me (and everyone else) know that you love me.”
Positive Reinforcement – “I need to be told when I have done well. It encourages me to repeat the good stuff.”
Love – ”When you tell me you love me I know that you do…actually, everything you do for me tells my you love me!”
My 15 year old son, Chase said, “What I need from my mom is”:
The Basics – “I need you for a place to live, food, money, and presents!”
Support – “It means a lot to me when you go out of your way to go to my band stuff. I like that we have that in common. I also appreciate your help paying for all of my band trips and going on them with me!”
Advice without intrusion – “Basically, don’t get involved in my love life! It’s embarrassing!”
Sometimes a hug – “(it’s ok if it is all the time, not sometimes) I like that you hug me in public, my friends are actually jealous, cause you’re a cool mom!”
Obedience – “I know this will never happen but you asked what I need from my mom so….I thought I’d try to slip this one in.”
Love – “Making time for me and my activities shows me that you love me”
My 12 year old son, Cameron said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Advice – “I need your advice on how to handle situations at school…but not about girls!”
Support – “I need you to help me pay for my band trips (of course) but I also really like it when you go on the trips with me. I like seeing that you are proud of me.”
Hugs – “Any time, anywhere, in front of anyone! I know you love me when you hug me!!”
Communication – “I need you to tell me when family stuff is planned ahead of time. I don’t like getting ready at the last minute.”
Time – “I need you to spend time with me alone, just you and me!”
Love – “I know you love me when you give me hugs, time together, and gifts….I like gifts…”
My 11 year old daughter, Savannah “Savy” said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Cuddles – “I just like to cuddle with you and talk about my day! Hugs and kisses are always needed too!”
To be taught things – “I need you to teach me to do things that I don’t know how to do, like doing my own hair and putting on make up.”
To be available – “I need you to be available for me to talk to you about school and about my day.”
Time – “I need time alone with you. It doesn’t matter what we do.”
Love – “I know you love me when you help me with my homework and you make time for me.”
My 10 year old daughter, Sydney said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Money – “I’m too young to make enough myself so I need you to pay for stuff for me.”
Hugs, Kisses & Cuddles – “I like this all the time but especially when I am upset! You are my “happy place” when I am sad or upset.”
Time – “I like it when we spend Mom/Syd time. I get all of your attention that way.”
School Lunch – “I like it when you come to my school and eat lunch with me. It makes me feel special that you go out of your way for me for lunch.”
Love – I know you love me when you tell me you love me and when you hug me and rock me….I’m not too old for that!!!”
As you can tell, I didn’t filter their lists…. I was amazed at how easily these answers came out of them as if to say, “of course I need you mom”, all the while I am telling myself a story that they don’t need me. Their needs change as they get older but they don’t go away. I still call my mom when I’m sick for her to tell me what medicine to take and for her to say, “I’m so sorry you feel bad.” Even as an adult, that still helps!
I have shared these insights from my children not to tell you that these are the needs of your children, rather, to show you what you can find out if you ask! Sit down with your kids one on one and ask them what they need from you as their mother. Tell them there is no wrong answer and let them have fun with it!
The last thing on each of their lists was answering the question of how they know that I love them. Be sure and ask them this question. Listen carefully to this answer from your children and you will hear the answer to the greatest need they have for you….your love!
The book “The Five Love Languages for Children” (or teenagers) by Gary Chapman, is a great tool that tells you how you can “tell” your child that you love them through a language that they understand.
So, do my kids really NEED me? If you are like me, and you wonder if your kids need you or if they know you love them… ask them! It is the only way to know.
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t out a guide book from any Tulsa hotel, it give you tons of free listings, but then, how do you make it REMARKABLE? As Winnie The Pooh says….”think, think, think…”
