In 2013, I attended Shades of Hope, an addiction recovery center specializing in eating disorders. There were bulimics, alcoholics, anorexics, and then there was me. How did I end up here? The answer might surprise you: control.
A few years earlier, I was in Las Vegas speaking at the Lifestyle Intervention Conference. Tennie McCarty, the founder of Shades of Hope, was speaking. I was eager to hear her, as she had reached out to me about endorsing her book. I was interested in finding more out about this lady. I sat near the back row and opened my ears. What I found was that she spoke my language! Her methods of treating addiction were much like our methods in The Journey Training – she allows you to “experience” the words she is saying.
About two-thirds through her speech, she said it: “There is only one difference between an anorexic and a compulsive overeater, but other than that they share exactly the same traits. Control: one controls by restricting food and the other controls emotions by numbing with food. But it’s all about control.” This hit me like a ton of bricks as my mind wandered back 35 years when I was 16 and fed-up with my fat. I decided to eat nothing but salads and drink diet pop. In turn I became anorexic and lost 70 pounds that summer. I remembered my father saying, “You’re anorexic! Stop losing weight!” I had forgotten until that moment.
I had also forgotten about being 150 pounds at 5’11” tall and my large build, looking in the mirror and thinking, “Just a little more.” I still thought I was fat, and I was going to control this thing until I was satisfied. Looking back over my life, there’s only been a few times I’ve been satisfied with my weight, and it only lasted a few weeks. I’d soon return to my dismay, making my plans of how I’d control it.
Addicts are control freaks
Yup, you heard me right! One of the first things Tennie said was, “Your addiction is about control. We are control freaks, and it might seem strange, but you’ve got to give up control to gain recovery.”
I didn’t get it at the time, and the reason I am writing this is I had a revelation of what she was saying. Life is giving; it will give you freedom and time to figure it out. When you “fail” a life test, God always will allow you to return and re-take the test, giving you the opportunity to learn a lesson you need to learn. You might think how could a loving God let you go through pain and risk instead of giving you specific direction to change your life? The revelation I had is it’s all about control – my control – that I have to be willing to surrender in order to gain the freedom God wants for me.
Everyone controls
When I was young, my parents often gave me advice and instruction. I often thought they were just trying to control me. This is why I can now sympathize with my kids David and Mary Claire when they say, “I know, I know! You don’t have to tell me!” Inevitably, they will test my theory and learn a lesson. I hope that someday they’ll understand that anything I tell them is intended for their good, and not about my control over their lives.
Unfortunately, that lesson they learn often comes with a little pain. That’s the “experience” I was talking about in the beginning of this blog. You can be told the stove is hot, but until you experience it you don’t truly believe it. I can describe feeling a cool breeze on your face on a hot day, but until you feel it yourself it’s only words – knowledge in your head. But once you feel it, it makes the journey from your head to your heart and becomes a belief. Someday my kids will believe that I have their best interests at heart. It just may take a while.
Prayer and control
That’s the revelation I had: that my prayers are actually my willingness to let go of control for my life, and asking God for His plans! It’s a belief that God has my best interests at heart. If I listen for His plans and am willing to forego my own, I’ll be a whole lot better off. For years I’ve been the “prodigal son”, not quite believing Him – trying to control my own life and addiction.
“It’s just a choice” is what I often hear from people, and I respond with, “No, it’s an addiction – a disease.” Well, they were right in one sense: that giving up control is a choice. It’s the first steps in the 12-step program! I can’t, God can, ask God. That’s prayer. Asking God to reveal your next step, and being willing to release control to Him (Proverbs 16:9). All these years with God, I’ve been my kids – “I know, I know! You don’t have to tell me!” Well, things are about to change!
The first 3 steps of AA:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or food, drugs, sex, etc.)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
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Since winning The Biggest Loser, I’ve spoken in 7 countries and 40 states about my journey. The experience has been awesome, but a look at my life made me consider a change. I was ready to get back to my roots in Land Surveying and stay home for a while, choosing moments. All that time away changing others’ lives was sometimes at the cost of the very ones I loved most! My wife Darci, my son David, and my daughter Mary Claire are my family. I want nothing more than to see them happy, but at times I was barely seeing them at all! I decided 100 flights a year was no longer going to work, and it was time for a more stable situation so I didn’t miss their life.
What caused me to come to this conclusion? Looking at my life from different perspectives. When I was in Buffalo Gap, Texas at Shades of Hope Treatment Center, Tennie McCarty reminded me to hit the pause button when things get tough. So one day when I felt stressed about leaving when my family needed me to stay home, I hit the pause button. I just rested in the fact of where I was, what I could control and what I couldn’t control. I had signed a contract, so I had to go. What that moment caused me to do was amazing. Let me explain.
Moments are a matter of time
Our lives are made up of moments – moments of our life’s history. It is also made up of future moments. Where are we going to be a year from now – or even 10 years from now? I know I can’t control the past, so what good is it to worry? I can, however, control my future. So what can I do to change my situation now? What if I continue to chase my dreams like this? And what will that cost me?
These are all choices that I have to make, and I used Tennie’s advice to deal with it. I remembered back when I had a cassette recorder as a kid, and the buttons that were on it. There was a play button, rewind, fast forward, pause, and record. I decided explore how I could use these buttons to help me answer all of those questions. The following is what I discovered.
Pausing the moment
Hitting the pause button allows you to stop, think and feel. Sometimes we don’t take the time to do that. We bulldoze through our life, reliving the same situations over and over again. Just by pausing, you may see something you have missed. Have you ever heard “stop and smell the roses?” How many times have we pressed on without stopping, thinking and allowing ourselves to feel instead of stuffing feelings and moving on? Thinking things through can often lead to insight and peace with where you are right now, as well as whether or not where you are is what you intended or want.
Fast Forward to a future moment
By fast forwarding, we can see the possible results of our decisions. Instead of acting automatically I like to pause for a moment, and then fast forward to where I might end up, how I will feel, and who it will affect. “If I eat that cake, I’ll regret that decisions long after the thrill is gone.” Too many times we give up what we really want for what we want right now. Is this choice going to move me a step closer to my goal or perhaps stall me – or even move me further away? Darci once asked a recovered alcoholic how he had 4 years success with sobriety. He told her, “I fast forward to the next morning and how I will feel. I hate hangovers, and my day will be wasted. I’ll also feel terrible inside. It helps me choose not to drink.”
This is great to do, but choosing to live only for the future may also cause us to miss the opportunities of the present. Chasing your dreams and goals at the cost of the present moment comes with a price. In Ecclesiastes 1, it talks of all we do to strive, and when you finally catch your dreams that it was all chasing the wind. It’s the experience I want to savor– the journey – not the prize. For me, the Journey is the prize.
Rewinding to the past
Hitting the rewind button has benefits, but also can be dangerous. For a time after winning The Biggest Loser, I chose to live in the past. I was the Biggest Loser ever, and the world champion of something! That accomplishment was incredible, but it also came with a cost. I had to learn that is was not me, but it was an event. It did not define me, but was a great accomplishment. The danger of me continually hitting the rewind button to that moment could make me miss the current moment, and cost me the future I truly wanted. It is now time to move on with my life. I’ll always be the Biggest Loser, but I refuse to live in the past. If I continue to celebrate my past victory, I may miss the opportunity to create new victories.
From a different perspective, we may also be able to hit the rewind button to revisit a time of strength and motivation. We may need that motivation right now. Rewinding to moments of victory can inspire us to new heights, and remind us of just how far we’ve come!
Even further, if we continually hit the rewind button to revisit past abuse, pain or negative events of our life, it can cause us to re-create our “pit” and lead us to remain in it. Revisiting past events to remind us what we conquered is good, but we must be diligent not to create what we most fear and do not want.
Choosing to play
Choosing to play means stepping into your purpose – now – not in the future and not in the past. Where can we make a difference now? Who do we believe we are called to help? Who is most important to us, and are we choosing other purposes over them? Sometimes, focusing on making a difference in things at the cost of who and what is most important to us can cause us to miss our life.
When we record
Choose to live in the moment and make memories. Each moment we make important is being recorded, so we should chose to focus on making good memories. Choosing to make good memories and not bad memories is often a choice that we control. Sure, there will be memories that aren’t good and that we can’t control. And there will be choices we can make to create those positive memories that will propel us into our true purpose.
Choosing the moment
Choosing the moment is an important choice. And doing that means we need to first hit pause and stop, think and feel. Then choose to rewind to a past experience for strength, motivation and hope. Fast forward and think about the consequences of your choice, how and who it will affect, and whether it moves you closer to your goal or further from your goal. Don’t “chase the wind” at the cost of the moment. Your purpose is now, where you are. Not at some distant point in the future, or in a better situation. Choose to play right where you are, with the people God has put in your life, and in turn record great memories that will be stepping stones to what you truly want.
I’m choosing that right now. I didn’t crave going back into Land Surveying. I don’t hate it – I love it! But would it cost me my dreams? I kept telling myself that, and in turn I was costing myself my true dream – my family. My kids are going to get the father they need and deserve. My wife is going to get the husband she desires and craves. God is going to get the Danny that will change the lives of whomever crosses his path – whether it be in 7 countries and 40 states, or right here in front of me. I’m still going to travel and speak – only less. I’m planting myself here in Tulsa for now, and I’m fine with that!
Don’t miss your life. Sign up for The Journey Training and learn what you might be giving up – and what you might gain in the process! Hitting the pause button for a weekend might propel you into the life you really want!
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Most of my problems in life never happened. I worry about things before a problem exists! I’m sure many can relate to this, but we all have real problems that do exist, and I’ve found that my narrow-mindedness is often the reason I get stuck in my problem.
I can’t be wrong
Most of the time when we hear something that goes against our beliefs, we automatically defend our position. It’s a natural trait. We were born to be right! But sometimes, being right can also cause you to stay wrong. Have you ever fought for your point of view only to finally look up the facts and realize you were wrong? I do it often. And it always reminds me of the wasted time I spent defending my wrong beliefs.
Just last week I was hiking with my boot camp on Turkey Mountain in West Tulsa. I was so sure we were supposed to go straight, but Mary said, “I think this is where we turn right.” I immediately began explaining why I knew we were to go straight. She gave in and we got lost. Turned out that we were supposed to turn right. And our hike ended up lasting longer than either of us expected or wanted! After the hike, she told me, “I saw a paint mark on that tree, and that’s why I knew we should have turned right.” I said, “Why didn’t you say something?” She answered, “I did, but you were so busy explaining why you were right that you didn’t hear me.”
Wrong can be beautiful.
There are times in life I wished I was wrong. When I thought I’d overdrawn my bank account, I prayed to be wrong; and I was! I’m wrong, Awesome! Let me explain another way.
If you are too narrow-minded to consider the possibility that you may be wrong, could you be deterring your own success? I see it every day; and I see it every day because I’m often guilty of it! You see, when there is a problem or a “road block” to something, it wouldn’t be a problem if you knew exactly how to solve it. First, you must open your mind and consider all of the possibilities. Sometimes, you may be looking at something from a wrong perspective – or from a viewpoint in which you just can’t see the answer – even when the answer is staring right at you. Many times our past experiences cause up to make up the story that we’re right when we’re actually far from it!
When Arthur and I get together, he tends to get frustrated with me. The nature of my job for the past 35 years has been to find out what’s wrong with something and fix it. I am a Land Surveyor and a musician. If I let a mistake go by, it could cost millions – or make a song sound really bad! So I have become very good at seeing the one thing – or note – that’s wrong, and it sometimes impairs my ability to see the things that are right. This can have value, but it also can be detrimental!
Arthur hates it when he brings an idea to the table and the first thing I say is, “Well, that won’t work because…” He says it frustrates progress. Why? Because it’s not whether the idea will work or not, but sometimes the most beautiful and powerful things were created through something that didn’t work or was a mistake – or perhaps just outside the box. If we are determined to immediately point out the flaw, something incredible might be forgotten before a different perspective can be seen and an amazing solution can come to light. Sometimes you need to stare at a problem for a while to see the solution. I tend to move on to a solvable problem that my intellect agrees with and leave the problem I’m so sure won’t work behind. And the result is often a missed opportunity. I’ve learned with Arthur to say, “That just may be crazy enough to work!”
Wrong can be AWESOME!
How in the world can being wrong be awesome? When you have an open mind. There have been few successes without failure first.
WD-40 hit store shelves in 1958. Almost everyone has seen WD-40 at the store, and there are literally thousands of uses , but the most important thing to know about WD-40 is what the name stands for: Water Displacement perfected on the 40th try. Yes, it took 39 failures to create one of the world’s most known and best-selling products. And it was perfected because of tenacity and open-mindedness – being willing to accept that they were wrong, and looking for other solutions – often where they didn’t expect.
In The Journey Training, we teach that seeing others’ opinions and perspectives is a vital part of life. Sometimes, the perspective of others is exactly what we need to see to choose differently. Each month we see people learn that they are not always right, and that’s a good thing! Sometimes, being willing to see differently is all someone needs to find a solution to the problem they’ve been facing for years.
One of the most shared traits of history’s richest and most successful people is open-mindedness. And that same trait is shared in some of the best marriages, happiest people, and most successful goal achievers. Instead of leaving your next problem behind or choosing to fight for your belief, why not open your mind and choose to see it differently. You just might find the solution you’ve been looking for!
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You may have seen a report recently about two climbers, Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson, who became the first to successfully free climb the “Dawn Wall” route of Yosemite’s El Capitan face. January 14, 2015 marked the end of a 19 day trek up the sheer rock face that placed them in the record books.
Seven years of planning and a lifetime of practice in completing other complex free climbs prepared this duo for achieving what many, including themselves, considered an impossible feat.
The climb took them up a path that traveled back and forth and even downward at times as they headed toward the summit. In preparation, they spent countless hours rappelling down the face of the rock to map even the smallest cracks or ledges that they could utilize to make their way to the summit. Each successful foothold or handhold represented movement toward their ultimate goal.
Aided only by safety ropes should they slip and fall, which they did multiple times (Jorgeson fell 11 times on just one section of the climb), they successfully completed each of the 32 sections or pitches before moving to the next.
At the end of each days climbing, they rested on a “portaledge,” a temporary horizontal surface with a rainfly, and suspended themselves from the face of the wall in order to get some much needed rest from the physical demands of free climbing. Every few days, supplies were delivered to the climbers by their friends on the ground who were acting as their support team.
How can you apply their achievement to your life? Are you wanting to reach a goal, quit a bad habit, or overcome an addiction?
Look at the lessons below and apply them to your situation:
Size up your challenge and plan appropriately. Lack of planning in a free climb may spell death. Fortunately, lack of planning to reach your goal or make a life change is rarely life threatening, however it can certainly result in setbacks in your attempt at change. Minimize your potential for setbacks with planning that is appropriate in complexity to the challenge at hand.
Imagine your own rock wall you need to traverse. The bottom represents where you are today, the summit – where you want to be, and the wall between the bottom and the summit are the challenges, behaviors, temptations, and old habits you’ll have to overcome to reach your goal.
• Between you and success are potential opportunities to fail or succeed.
You’ve studied your behavior patterns and have identified the potential areas that you might sabotage yourself or just make a mistake and experience temporary failure.
• Every forward step matters, even if it is a small one.
Just like the climbers, a minute ledge or foothold may be all you need to keep moving toward your goal. You may feel like some of the steps you take don’t matter, but you’d be wrong. Every step in the right direction takes you toward your new goals, so celebrate each and every one of them!
What is one small step you can take toward overcoming your old ways?
• The path usually isn’t straight and it’s not going to be easy.
Remember the saying, “the shortest path between two point is a straight line?” That may be mathematically accurate, but it is rarely the case when making life changes or achieving a goal. Just like Jorgeson and Caldwell, the path for your success will undoubtedly take you sideways and possibly backwards at times. Mapping your path ahead of time helps you keep your focus and not lose heart when you don’t “feel” like you are making progress or it appears to others that you are losing ground.
Keep in mind, even when Jorgeson or Caldwell fell, they didn’t fall all the way back to the starting point. Slipping when you reach for a crack to hold onto or when you place your foot on a small ledge doesn’t mean you’ve failed with a capital “F”, it merely means you’ve experienced a momentary setback and have an opportunity to learn how to better identify your next small step and try again for success. Successful people know that they learn as much or more from their “failures” as they do from their successes. As Arthur Greeno, a Journey Training facilitator states, “Failure is always an option. But so is Success.”
What “failures” have you experienced in the past? Did you learn from them or treat them with a capital “F” and give up? What lessons can you learn from your past setbacks that can empower and energize you toward future successes?
• Have an accountability partner and support team.
Any task that we can reach by ourselves probably isn’t stretching us much and causes us to live in comfortable mediocrity. Reach for a larger goal or develop better lifestyle choices that require you to enlist the help of others. The help may come in the form of a mentor, coach, or accountability partner. The key to remember here is that you can’t achieve great things in life alone. Everyone needs support in some form or fashion.
Even Jorgeson and Caldwell had each other and a National Geographic Camera crew for accountability and encouragement. Add to that, their family and friends were there to provide assistance and supplies when needed.
Who are your accountability partners to help keep you keep on track? Who do you have around you to provide encouragement? Who do you have to help sustain you during long treks in your journey?
It is worth it.
So why endure all of the planning, frustration, setbacks, vulnerability, and reliance on others? Because it’s worth it! You are worth it! It’s worth all of this for you to become a better you and to help you in your pursuit in overcoming “impossible” obstacles. When you become a better you, then you can help others better themselves.
For more information on Kevin Jorgeson and Tommy Caldwell’s climb of the “Dawn Wall” of Yosemite National Park’s El Capitan rock, see the links below.
In the Journey Training, I often use the phrase “choose and move.” I love this statement, and so I use this all the time. When I am driving, if you’re a passenger in my car, you would possibly hear me yell, “C’mon buddy, choose and move!” How about when this happens at the mall? It is December at the mall, walking down the corridor, hundreds of people around me. Everything is moving along at a good pace, kind of like a herd of cattle, until someone stops right in front of you. You come to a screeching halt to avoid running into them, and then everyone behind you is doing the same. Not choosing and moving caused a 9 person holiday pileup.
Even if I don’t know exactly what to do, I choose and move. I may not have all the facts, but I will make a choice and act on it. Sometimes I will move without all the facts, and it ends up messing things up, and other times I may wait, producing an outcome that is not what I wanted.
I have 6 kids, and one thing I have learned is when to tell your kid is sick. I remember my son Casey once came in to me, about 18 months old and had a certain look. As a parent, you just know! I knew what this look was, but I knelt down and started trying to over-analyze it. He was whining, and kind of crying. “How are you feeling Casey, does your head hurt?”
“No”, he whined. I had him breathe in and out, then I put my hand on his stomach, and I felt it turn…HOLY POOPY! I knew what was about to happen.
I yelled “NOELL,” grabbed Casey, threw him on my shoulder and bolted to the bathroom, which was on the other side of the house. We made it half way there before he exploded, puking everywhere; since we were running to the bathroom it was like crop dusting. I got him to the toilet, and we got him all situated. Then, once the adrenaline stopped, I assessed the situation. He started throwing up down the hall, so it was at head height on the west side wall, for about 17 feet. When we tried to set him down by the toilet, in the adjustment, he belched out another, and that took care of most of the restroom. It was in my ear, on my glasses, and right into my mouth. By the time Noell got there, I looked like I just got out of battle, and stood in my suit, dripping, spitting, and wiping whatever Casey had for breakfast and lunch off my glasses.
If I hadn’t made a choice and moved, the situation could have been significantly worse.
When I know I need to move on something, here is why I am passionate:
The window of opportunity may not be open long.
I may lose the passion if I delay
Once I get it done, I can move on to other things.
What do you need to move on today?
You can learn tools such as these fromThrive15.com an online 24-hour a day “edutainment” “edutainment” platform that helps people learn from Millionaires, Moguls and everyday success stories like me. You can use my access code 2inspire and get a FREE 30 day membership.
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