The pressure to be a ‘good’ mom is huge! We feel pressure from our kids, our husbands, our parents, other moms and dads, and MOST of all, ourselves.
I find it interesting that one of the first questions people ask when meeting someone is, “What do you do for a living.” For a mom, no matter your answer, the feeling of judgment often follows. Not that judgment always DOES follow, we just FEEL that it does. It feels like your answer will reveal whether you are a ‘good’ mom or not.
If you respond with, “I am a stay at home mom” or something similar, to someone that is not a stay at home mom, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, so you don’t have a job?”
“What exactly do you do all day?:
“I’d get so bored if I stayed home all day.”
“Don’t you want to do something with your life?”
“You must have so much free time!”
“What are you going to do when all your kids are in school?”
“I would love to not have to work, you are so lucky!”
“Don’t you want to contribute something to your household?”
There are some that make judgments but most of the time, these statements are made simply because they do not know what it is like to be a stay at home mom. On the other hand, moms that work outside of the home get the same kind of pressure. When a mom answers the same question with a description of her paying job, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, you can’t afford for you to stay home?”
“Are you worried about how your children are being treated in child care?”
“I would hate having someone else raising my kids.”
“At least you have nighttime to be a good mom.”
“Maybe if you were home more your child wouldn’t act out.”
“I’ll pray that you get to stay home with your kids soon!”
“If you can afford to stay home, then why do you go to work?”
“Do your kids ever feel abandoned?”
It’s easy to say, “Just ignore them, they don’t understand!” but it is much more difficult to actually do that! As I started thinking of how to spread the word that we are all good moms, I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other adults think or say. Everyone has a different ‘recipe’ for how to be a good mom and the only opinions that really matter…..are our kids….
I am writing this on a charter bus…on an 11-hour trip home from a percussion competition with my son and about 30 other high school percussion kids. I thought, maybe we need to hear their perspective of their own stay at home or working outside of the home moms…..here is what they said (with no alterations….they say “stuff” a lot)
Stay at home moms:
“I respect that she made the sacrifice to stay home with us kids and not work outside the home.”
“I enjoy her being around a lot.”
“She always tends to her kids before she tends to herself. It makes me feel important”
“I respect that she stays at home even though she would like to work, because she wants the best for us and loves us and stuff.”
“Just because she is home doesn’t mean she is not working. She is always working and doing stuff. She never stops.”
“She can always come to my band or sport stuff. It’s ok if she is busy with stuff or my brothers or sisters, but I like that staying home means she can do that.”
“I like that she is always there when I get home from school and I get to talk to her.”
“Since she is at home, I get to spend more time with her.”
“I like that she is not stressed about working and stuff.”
“I’ve never seen someone work as hard as my mom…and she doesn’t even get paid”
Working outside of the home moms:
“It’s great that she is independent and she can do what she wants.”
“I have never wished she stayed at home, it is a role model kind of thing.”
“I appreciate her attitude about the fact that she likes to work.”
“My mom has friends through work….I think it’s great! …do stay at home moms have friends?” (I laughed so hard at this one I almost wet my pants)
“She uses her work money to give me gas money…I appreciate that!!”
“I think it’s good that she can get outside of the house.”
“As a kid, you don’t think of the difference. I don’t think, I wish she stayed home”.
“She really likes her job a lot and it makes her happy which makes me happy.”
“She provides so it helps pay bills and pay for college, which I appreciate a lot.”
“She does what she loves and still makes time for me and my family. I get to see her every day.”
“I get to share her love of music with her, it is her job, and we talk about it every day after school.”
“I know we will always have insurance…she works in insurance.”
“She is willing to get another job and stuff in order for us to have what we need.”
“I respect that she is a hard worker.”
I did not get any negative comments from these kids at all! They all think their moms are the best…because they are the best mom for the kids that God gave them!
CHALLENGE
What would your kids say about you? If you don’t know the answer to this question……ASK THEM! You don’t have to limit this to whether you work inside or outside the home, ask them what they appreciate about you, what they want more of from you, and what they want less of from you! Don’t be afraid of their answers. Some may be hard to hear, but how do you know unless ask?
The bottom line is, we are all ‘working’ moms. We are working to raise our children and make sure they know we love them! Don’t ask yourself if you are being a good mom….ask your kids!
https://youtu.be/Me9yrREXOj4
When I was a little girl, I would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all the time. They were my absolute favorite meal in the whole wide world. Part of why I loved them was because of how my mom prepared them: she would always carve a little heart in the peanut butter before adding the jelly. Food of Love!
I knew that heart was there whether I watched her make my sandwich or not. I could taste it. It was made with love.
As I grew old enough to make my own pb & j’s, I continued the loving tradition: spread the peanut butter, make a heart, add the jelly, SQUISH!
Even as a teenager, when I craved the comfort of my old favorite, I would draw a little heart and feel better about myself. I was loved.
I remember the first time I made a sandwich without a heart. I was 21 years old, in my first apartment and my roommate came into the kitchen as I was preparing my late night study snack. He watched as I spread the peanut butter and as I was about to carve out a little heart from the creamy spread, I hesitated and decided it was a childish habit. I simply dropped the jelly on top of the peanut butter and topped it off with another slice of bread. I ate it a little sadly, thinking it didn’t taste quite right.
Fast forward to a few years later, when I was making my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich on gluten free bread. I was anxious, because I knew the bread would be so different from what I was used to. I had been diagnosed with Celiac disease and had to cut out wheat in all its forms to heal my body. As much as I was tired of being sick, I didn’t want to miss out on my favorite foods.
I spread the peanut butter, telling my husband how sad I was about how it wouldn’t be the same as I remembered. With a rush of emotion, I spilled out all about how much I missed the way my mom would draw a heart whenever she made it for me. I slid down against the cabinet, crying. He sat down next to me, with my half made sandwich, and said, “Go on, draw your heart.”
The Food of Love ….how simple. A tiny act managed to turn my day around.
In the years between those two sandwiches, I had struggled with depression, feeling lost, alone, and, most of all, unloved. Now, I’m sure that not drawing a heart in my peanut butter was a symptom of feeling unloved and not the other way around, however that simple act was able to remind me that I was in fact loved. By the man sitting beside me, by myself, and my amazing Creator. He did after all make the peanuts.
As I made myself a sandwich this week, I made a pledge to myself: I will ALWAYS draw that heart in my peanut butter, because I AM LOVED.
Whether I feel it or not.
Starting with Chick-fil-A in 1988 as a team member at Woodland Hills Mall and owning a franchise was not something I had aspirations to do at that time. I was an art major with no business skills other than a desire to succeed. After 25 years with Chick-fil-A, one of the most valuable lessons I teach young entrepreneurs is the art of having a mentor. I speak to thousands of people per year and I always ask the question, “Who is your mentor, who is your Yoda?”
Why do we need a mentor? As a father of six and employer of over 100 employees at Chick-fil-A, I see mentorship opportunities daily. Whether it’s someone who wants to move up within my company or with aspirations to start their own business, a mentor will help guide them in the right direction and give invaluable advice. I still look to my mentors daily for guidance on running my business or advice on being a husband and father.
What does a mentor look like?
Depending on where you are in your journey, it could look a number of different ways.
For me, one of my first mentors was a gardener at an apartment complex who I met when I was growing up. As a kid, life was hard for me. I grew up with extreme scoliosis, my mother was an alcoholic and, due to a complicated divorce, my father was out of my life when I was 13 years old. He invested time in me. He took us on hikes into waterfalls spent time with us when my parents did not have the time, or they were too drunk to take us out.
When I started as a cashier at Chick-fil-A, I was not savvy in business and had no clue how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be. I shared some of my concerns with someone I respected and he suggested that I read “Dressing for Success” written in 1975 by John Malloy. I read this book and it literally changed my outlook overnight. By simply implementing the action steps found within this book, I found myself overflowing with the confidence that comes with looking your best.
I even have mentors in my life, they probably don’t even realize their mentors. I watch them from afar, admire how they do business, and move forward similar to how they do it. They would know me well enough to greet me when I walk up, but not necessarily someone that I hang out with on a regular basis. Of those, Mart Green of Hobby Lobby and Chet Cadieux of QuikTrip, and Dr. Z (Dr. Robert Zoellner) are at the top of my list.
What kind of mentor do people need in their life?
We all need a mentor who has actually achieved success in the area of life in which we are seeking wisdom. Stay away from obese trainers and disheveled-looking style consultants. Just take a moment to ask yourself, “Who is currently doing what I am wanting to do?” or “Who has already achieved what I want to achieve?”
How do I find a mentor?
It’s not as hard as you would think. A successful mentor’s time is extremely valuable; so do not waste their time. I am a true believer that if you share your dreams, opportunities will show themselves. My system for connecting with mentors is fairly simple.
- Try to connect with someone and tell them you are available to meet any time, anywhere
- Ask for a meeting and make sure that you are focused on creating a sustainable and mutually beneficial “win-win” relationship with your mentor.
- Maybe you do need a mentor or coach. You may feel like an accountability partner will help. Clients take bigger actions, set bigger goals and think bigger when they work with a professional coach or accountability partner and The Journey Training can help you start that process.
“Who will be your Yoda?”
Getting from one point to another usually isn’t that hard. We usually make it hard. Most of the time it doesn’t look the same for everyone, with steps that can be very different. We are all at different places in our lives, and throwing a personal development training into our budget of finances and time can create a little chaos…if we allow it to. How are you getting from Point A to Point B?
When we have something that isn’t planned suddenly appear, our first reaction can be, “I can’t do it.” Why do we think that? I say it is the easy way to think; it’s our comfort zone – all warm and fuzzy – and we like it there. After all, the easiest way to deal with a problem is to forget about the problem, right?
If we look at it from an abundance mindset, or one of growth, we can begin to see it differently. If you went through Threshold, you can clearly see the impact the training has had on your life. And unlike other trainings, you’ll remember this one for years to come. You may ask, “How can we have our cake and eat it too?” Well, all of these are examples from true stories of people from The Journey Training and how they went from A to B. Use this as a guide – a template – to start the juices flowing for figuring out how to make this happen for you.
Have you ever had a situation where you were doing all the work while someone else was just sitting off to the side, not doing their fair share making you frustrated? I have. It is in our nature as humans to want to help others. At the same time, we don’t want to be taken advantage of. I know for me, when someone is in need of finances, and they are willing to make an effort to do something, I will jump in and want to help them. On the flip side, if they are not willing to make an effort, I can lose the desire to help. Here are some ideas that we’ve seen from people who got off their ask and made some efforts, and it served them well.
- It snowed, and we walked the neighborhood asking if we could shovel their walk, for a donation so we could go to The Journey.
- When it snowed, I used my suburban to pull people out of ditches, and they gave me money toward The Journey Training.
- I posted on social media that I would be willing to babysit for anyone if they wanted to go on a date.
- I offered to clean houses to make some money to go toward my next Journey class, and I achieved my goal! AND was able to do a little after that helped me supplement my income.
- I sewed a quilt, and auctioned it off to TJT alumni.
- I did a bike marathon, and set it up as a fundraiser, and I asked people to sponsor me per mile I rode the bike.
- Went to Sam’s Club and bought some beef jerky and candy bars, then I sold it at work as a fundraiser to come back to The Journey.
- We gave plasma. It gave us time together, and gave us some extra cash to make this happen. (I just got a message from someone that you can earn up to $400 your first month giving plasma by doing it 2x per week)
- I Gave Blood.
- I offered to mow anyone’s grass to make money to go to Crossroads, and I did it!
- Once we had 2 girls in one class that were massage therapists. They had a dinner and everyone came over. They gave 30 min massages to everyone for donations.
- I offered to do miscellaneous stuff, so I hung helped hang Christmas lights.
- Sign up with Uber and become a Taxi in your spare time.
- I had a fundraiser dinner, where I cooked all the food, and people from the alumni group paid to come have dinner.
- People have sold Chick-fil-A calendars as a fundraiser. (This is an option from Aug-Dec only)
- Selling miscellaneous things on EBay, Craigslist, or even to a Pawn Shop – DISCLOSURE: we are not telling you to go sell all your stuff to go thru TJT! We are encouraging you to think differently, with an open mind, on ways to raise funds if you need them.
- Trainees have organized Garage Sales to raise money to go, or to help those in their class go.
Or perhaps you could make the difference by cutting back. (Oh my goodness, he said it.) We want what we want when we want it, right? Well sometimes hitting our goals makes things look a little different. Saying NO to something, even just for a little while, can be a healthy practice and a way to raise needed funds to get back to Crossroads. No does not have to mean no forever. Ask yourself, “Could I be spending money foolishly? Can I cut back on anything? Decrease my spending?” Here are some examples of cutting back:
- “I would get Starbucks or a Chick-fil-A tea every day on my way to work. By cutting this out for a time, it saved me $60 per month that I could put towards my training.
- “I called my cable provider. I asked them how I could lower my cost, and that if I didn’t, I’d have to stop using them altogether. Guess what? THEY CUT MY COST $19 A MONTH!”
- “We cut back on our eating out, and with just 3 extra meals at home we saved $40 per month!”
Every one of us has Talents and Gifts that God intends us to use. What are yours? Is there anything you can offer to people to raise funds.
- People have made T-Shirts with Journey things on it for their class and other alumni to buy.
- People have made wall hanging art – one said “Life is better on the Boat!” – and sold it to alumni
- People have made stained glass items and sold them to people.
- People have sold custom-made cookies for events.
- People have prepared pans of Lasagna for alumni to buy so they’d have a pre-made dinner for their family.
- Someone created Hair Bows and sold them to people.
- Someone created custom coasters for people using pictures for fundraising.
- Someone did a phot shoot for funds for their next training.
When we are making efforts to hit our goals, others can be encouraged by this. They may even want to jump in to help! Unfortunately, there are those who don’t make the effort and end up not reaching their goals – which is going victim to their circumstances. Look at all these ideas. Maybe it’s time to set your pride aside, and think about what you can do to invest in yourself!
And if you’ve already finished your trainings, there is a Class 3 called LAUNCH that is about to begin, so maybe you need to save up for that! And maybe you’d save someone’s life by doing these things again and sponsoring someone you love to fill your seat in The Journey Training.
I went to a get-together last night that made me start thinking. The question was asked, “What is worship to you?” As I sat and listened to the different responses, one part of everyone’s answer that was in common: a connection with God.
Many were there, and while we all had that common thread we all also had our own personal experiences and ways that we worship. I was so inspired by many that I almost felt my answer was inadequate. Instead of beating myself up I asked myself, “What can I do to make it more meaningful and to build my relationship with Christ to be even stronger?” That’s how I went to bed.
https://youtu.be/2l6SNMUxB8c
Ask
When I woke up the next morning for the strangest reason I was thinking about funny tech-support stories.
So, I got up and Googled it. I remembered the stories where they asked the customer, “Do you have the power on?” And when the power doesn’t come on the all-important question becomes, “Is it plugged in?” I started putting my questions to myself the night before into these tech-support scenarios. Is the power on? Better yet, am I plugged in?
Let me see; I do my daily devotions, although I allow life to get in my way more than I should. What about my prayer life? How often do I actually talk to God? I do, but not as often as I should. I usually pray after I read my daily devotional – for a good day, to keep my family safe, for new and present clients, for friends and other requests. I pray with my kids each night before bed & sometimes before we eat. When I see a prayer request on FB, I always say a little prayer right then because if I don’t I’ll probably forget. And, as most people, I pray when life gets tough. I guess in my own trouble-shooting, I guess my power is on.
But am I really plugged in? It doesn’t matter how many times you push the power button if it isn’t even plugged in. It’s more than going through the motions of going to church, daily devotions, and saying routine prayers. If I’m really plugged in I have a constant connection with God. I know He’s always there for me, but how often do I break that connection? A common occurrence for many. I often think, “I can do it myself” or “I’m too embarrassed or ashamed” (as if He doesn’t already know). Or “It’s too small to ask God for help” or even “this doesn’t really matter.”
Get out of your own way
I watched a comedian, who referred to a tech call where eventually the customer was asked if there was a child that lived in the house. There happened to be a 9 year old girl, and within a few minutes the problem was solved. The problem that the adult mind couldn’t get it done. Hmmmm, a child. In Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Then it hit me. I need to come to Jesus as a child. I may have the power on by going to church, performing praise and worship, or participating in drama ministry – all of which are very important, but if I’m not plugged in and have that connection with Jesus, my relationship with Him doesn’t grow.
How am I approaching these things? Sometimes I wonder if Jesus possibly has a double meaning. Of course He is welcoming children, but maybe He was also telling us to come to Him like a child. We are like children – little two year olds that are full of independence and insist on trying it themselves – until we reach for our parents.
Remember the embarrassing secret story your parents actually already knew, and they hugged you to help you feel better. And remember that balloon you took to daddy to fix after it had popped? Dad just smiles because it’s such a precious little question, and then he gets you another balloon. Then he beams as you run off telling everyone how your daddy can fix anything! Just like our parents, God steps back and allows us to try to do it on our own. Then He welcomes us with open arms when we finally give it to Him. He embraces us in those embarrassing moments and lets us rest in the peace of knowing He is a forgiving God, full of grace for His children. In His arms there is no need to be ashamed. And, He smiles at us when we come to Him with our own “broken balloons.” Nothing is too small to take to Him. And how He must feel when we share with others that He can fix anything – even though it might not be how we envisioned He’d fix it.
Know His heart – and connect
Our relationship with Him isn’t meant to be complicated. It is as simple as a Daddy/child relationship. I see through my trouble shooting that the key to moving into a deeper relationship with Christ is to first make sure I’m plugged in and the power is on. Then I must go to my Heavenly Father as a little child to their daddy. I must stop breaking our connection. I must remember that I don’t have to do any of it by myself – I can rest peacefully in His arms no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I am, knowing He will forgive me and that He loves me. And that nothing is too small – or too big – for God to take care of.
The next time find yourself doubting, in fear, or in pain, first you should try some simple tech-support questions. I think you’ll find that He has every answer you need.
