“Well son, it was a little bit of hell, a little bit of fun, a little bit of excitement, a little boring at times; it was a little of everything – just like life.”
This answer sticks with us to this day, because our lives turned out to be one battle after another. We had to learn how to fight and keep on fighting, how to win, how to rejoice and be thankful – and then how to do it all over again. (From the opening of Losing Big, by Danny & Darci Cahill)
Remembering is important
Memories are powerful tools. They can help us avoid pain, allow us to succeed at tasks, and keep us on track. They also have another purpose: remembering the sacrifice of others. On this Memorial Day, I reflected about what might have happened had the greatest generation not sacrificed so greatly.
I didn’t have much of a relationship with my Grandpa Charlie. He suffered from alcoholism and I rarely saw him. Because of this, many memories of him aren’t great. But I remember one Christmas when he was there. I was looking at the Nazi bayonet he’d brought back from World War II and asked him, “Grandpa, what was the war like?” And I got a great gift in his answer. However, it took me years to understand it.
Now on Memorial Day I remember what my grandpa did during World War II. I choose to remember him as a hero and not for the mistakes he made. Perhaps we should choose to do that more with the people in our lives – especially ourselves.
Monuments of Memorial
When our son David was eight, he was hospitalized with Stevens-Johnson syndrome. If you don’t know what that is, I pray you never have to find out. In late stages the death rate is high. We were unsure of his future, and also unsure of what he’d face if he survived. He was misdiagnosed until an infectious disease specialist walked in, looked at him, and immediately knew what it was. He had recently treated the only other known case in Tulsa a year before. David wasn’t out of the woods, but with that diagnosis he had a chance! Today he is perfectly normal! When I need to know that we’ll make it through, I remember what God did for David – He’s a monument of memorial.
A Marriage Monument
Sometimes it can seem all is lost when we find ourselves in seemingly hopeless situations. When Darci and I wrote Losing Big, we weren’t sure what to expect, but the process of reliving those pain and victories in our past became a memorial of what God has done in our lives. We are still fighting that war called life. And in those moments of hopelessness, we need to remember how God rescued us and helped us overcome.
In Losing Big, Darci and I tell the story of our marriage, 6-months in. When we were ready to give up, God intervened. It happened the morning after a horrible night. While lying in bed, we were staring at the ceiling feeling hopeless when I said, “Something’s got to change.”
Darci paused. Then she replied, “I want to go back to church.”
Darci threw in the towel – not for our marriage – but for trying to do it alone. She knew in her heart that although it seemed impossible, with God all things are possible! (Matt 19:26) With that single decision, our marriage was set on a course for success. Was it easy? No. But we had a solid foundation to place everything on. Even when we didn’t trust each other at times, we could choose to trust God. And that was enough. We slowly began to see each other how God saw us – fearfully and wonderfully made.
Build a Monument of Memorial so you won’t forget
In Joshua 3, God stopped the flow of the Jordan River to allow the nation of Israel to cross. He then instructed them to bring 12 stones from its bottom to the shore. Here’s what happened next: (Joshua 4:6-7) “We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.”
So that we don’t forget, we celebrate Memorial Day each year to honor the fallen of our country. It is because of their sacrifice that we live in the greatest nation on earth. Everyday life can make us forget, so we need a Memorial Day to remember.
Make yourself a Monument of Memorial
In typical The Journey Training fashion, I’d like to ask you to do something. Take a piece of paper and write a few incredible things God has done for you in your life. Then find something to represent and memorialize those events. I use a polished stone for David, a 1944 Dime for my grandpa, and a list of 10 beautiful things I keep on my phone for Darci. When I need hope, I pull them out. The stone for my son – that God will make all things work together for our good. The dime for my grandpa, that there is a calling on our life no matter what mistakes we make. And the list for my wife – that God has given me the perfect wife, even when shallow vision may think otherwise.
These memorials help me through those tough times – those times when it seems there is no hope. And with them I remember that there is always hope.
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My oldest son came home from school today with his graduation cap and gown. He is a senior and will graduate 3 days after Mother’s day. I feel a combination of joy, sadness, pride, ….and nausea! Do my kids really NEED me?
Whenever my kids have a champion moment that signifies they are growing up, I am so proud of them and happy for their future, but…it adds to a growing feeling that I am becoming less and less needed in their lives.
I decided that the best way to find out what they need from me, their mom, was to ask them, so I did and here is what they said:
My 18 year old son, Connor said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Advice, not instruction – “I want and need your advice from your life experiences….I also want to make my own mistakes.”
Privacy – “Knock before coming in my room…and then wait for me to say come in. I’m not hiding anything, I just need some privacy”
Respect my time and schedule – “I like being able to help you out, I just don’t like it when you assume I don’t have plans and you plan something for me.”
Communicate Family Plans – “I actually like family time, I just want to be able to plan around it, otherwise, it makes family time feel like frustration rather than fun.”
Positive Reinforcement – “ I need to be told when I do something right, not just when I do something wrong. I need to know you are proud of me”
Love – “I know you love me when you support my ideas and when you tell me you love me.”
My 16 year old son, Casey said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Communicate Family Plans – “I really like our family time, but I don’t like canceling my plans because I wasn’t told family plans have been made.”
Support – “I need your support when I have a new idea! I need encouragement and you to help me not quit when I want to give up.”
Support – “I also want your support by you going to my school functions and my orchestra concerts and me. It makes me feel like you are proud of me.”
Hugs – “Believe it or not, I like it when you hug me….even in public!! It doesn’t embarrass me, it just lets me (and everyone else) know that you love me.”
Positive Reinforcement – “I need to be told when I have done well. It encourages me to repeat the good stuff.”
Love – ”When you tell me you love me I know that you do…actually, everything you do for me tells my you love me!”
My 15 year old son, Chase said, “What I need from my mom is”:
The Basics – “I need you for a place to live, food, money, and presents!”
Support – “It means a lot to me when you go out of your way to go to my band stuff. I like that we have that in common. I also appreciate your help paying for all of my band trips and going on them with me!”
Advice without intrusion – “Basically, don’t get involved in my love life! It’s embarrassing!”
Sometimes a hug – “(it’s ok if it is all the time, not sometimes) I like that you hug me in public, my friends are actually jealous, cause you’re a cool mom!”
Obedience – “I know this will never happen but you asked what I need from my mom so….I thought I’d try to slip this one in.”
Love – “Making time for me and my activities shows me that you love me”
My 12 year old son, Cameron said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Advice – “I need your advice on how to handle situations at school…but not about girls!”
Support – “I need you to help me pay for my band trips (of course) but I also really like it when you go on the trips with me. I like seeing that you are proud of me.”
Hugs – “Any time, anywhere, in front of anyone! I know you love me when you hug me!!”
Communication – “I need you to tell me when family stuff is planned ahead of time. I don’t like getting ready at the last minute.”
Time – “I need you to spend time with me alone, just you and me!”
Love – “I know you love me when you give me hugs, time together, and gifts….I like gifts…”
My 11 year old daughter, Savannah “Savy” said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Cuddles – “I just like to cuddle with you and talk about my day! Hugs and kisses are always needed too!”
To be taught things – “I need you to teach me to do things that I don’t know how to do, like doing my own hair and putting on make up.”
To be available – “I need you to be available for me to talk to you about school and about my day.”
Time – “I need time alone with you. It doesn’t matter what we do.”
Love – “I know you love me when you help me with my homework and you make time for me.”
My 10 year old daughter, Sydney said, “What I need from my mom is”:
Money – “I’m too young to make enough myself so I need you to pay for stuff for me.”
Hugs, Kisses & Cuddles – “I like this all the time but especially when I am upset! You are my “happy place” when I am sad or upset.”
Time – “I like it when we spend Mom/Syd time. I get all of your attention that way.”
School Lunch – “I like it when you come to my school and eat lunch with me. It makes me feel special that you go out of your way for me for lunch.”
Love – I know you love me when you tell me you love me and when you hug me and rock me….I’m not too old for that!!!”
As you can tell, I didn’t filter their lists…. I was amazed at how easily these answers came out of them as if to say, “of course I need you mom”, all the while I am telling myself a story that they don’t need me. Their needs change as they get older but they don’t go away. I still call my mom when I’m sick for her to tell me what medicine to take and for her to say, “I’m so sorry you feel bad.” Even as an adult, that still helps!
I have shared these insights from my children not to tell you that these are the needs of your children, rather, to show you what you can find out if you ask! Sit down with your kids one on one and ask them what they need from you as their mother. Tell them there is no wrong answer and let them have fun with it!
The last thing on each of their lists was answering the question of how they know that I love them. Be sure and ask them this question. Listen carefully to this answer from your children and you will hear the answer to the greatest need they have for you….your love!
The book “The Five Love Languages for Children” (or teenagers) by Gary Chapman, is a great tool that tells you how you can “tell” your child that you love them through a language that they understand.
So, do my kids really NEED me? If you are like me, and you wonder if your kids need you or if they know you love them… ask them! It is the only way to know.
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Are you experiencing a “Death Spiral” in your reach for success?
I’ve been around small aircraft my entire life. My Dad is a general aviation pilot with a visual flight rules (VFR) rating. In layman’s terms, he is a private pilot that should only fly during clear weather conditions. As a VFR pilot, he is not certified to fly into weather conditions that require an Instrument Flight Rating (IFR). The reason behind these different ratings is that there are weather conditions that can cause pilot confusion. And if the pilot listens to their senses, it can cause a death spiral, ensuring a crash.
In a death spiral,the pilot has no external horizon or reference point due to low visibility. The pilot can therefore can get fooled into thinking the plane is in level flight when in fact it is in a banked turn. This happens if the pilot relies on their senses rather than relying on the airplane’s flight instruments.
If the pilot notices a drop in altitude on the altimeter, but ignores the bank indicator (the instrument that shows a turn) because they “sense” the plane is in level flight, the normal response will be to pull back on the stick to regain altitude. Since the plane is in a banked turn, pulling back on the stick only puts the plane in a tighter death spiral – heading for a catastrophic crash.
The only way to get out of a death spiral is for the pilot to recognize that their senses are wrong, gather correct information from the flight instruments, and turn back to level flight. By the way, even after the pilot makes the correction, their body will continue to “lie” to them about the position of the aircraft for up to several minutes.
Death Spiral in Life
Could you be experiencing a death spiral in your life that you don’t know how to get out of it? Let me ask it another way. Are you struggling to find success in overcoming a habit or addiction in your life – failing time after time only to sink lower and lower?
Let’s talk about losing weight for a moment. We all know that eating a healthy diet and engaging in regular exercise is a safe way to lose weight. But if you decide not to workout because you don’t feel like you have enough energy, you are essentially in the clouds and in a banked turn. Let’s say you feel badly that you didn’t exercise and you promise yourself to do it tomorrow, but right now you really want your favorite comfort food. You’ve just ignored some of your flight instruments and have pulled on the stick which only tightens your turn and accelerates your death spiral. This only exacerbates the problem as you have less energy the next day, and so on and so on. Believing your body saying “I’m too tired to workout” and responding with no activity and comfort food day after day only results in more of the same with tighter turns until you hit the ground hard. You have to believe your instruments and fly through these low visibility conditions accordingly.
In the above analogy, what are your instruments?
They are comprised of friends and family that are partnering with you for success, coaches, personal trainers, mentors, counselors, and accountability partners.
When you are believing you are too tired to work out, look to your instruments for guidance – you should expect to see that your attitude is in a banked turn and needs to be corrected to level flight before doing anything else.
Your instruments, like the pilot’s, may not be giving you information you believe. You have to choose to trust them because they are not being confused by your senses.
The reason why the death spiral is so insidious is because you believe you are doing okay (in level flight) and you choose not to believe your instruments. So it goes, “I’m okay, I’ll start tomorrow, (pulls back on stick and enters a tighter death spiral), repeat behavior, repeat behavior, repeat behavior, impact.
Where are you “banked” in a Death Spiral?
Now we’ve focused on weight as the example here, but what about your challenge? Gossip, alcohol abuse, drugs abuse, tobacco use, infidelity, pornography, etc. In each case your attitude is in a banked turn and you need to choose to pay attention to what your instruments are telling you.
In conclusion, whether flying an airplane or trying to soar to your successes, always remember to trust your instruments!
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In past blogs I’ve talked about the “programs” that run us. Most of the decisions that we make are made by our beliefs – or the programming of our beliefs from our experiences. These “Life Programs” can be good, and they can also be devastating! It all depends on what we want in life.
OUR LIFE PROGRAMMING
Good programs might be the confidence built in us by our parents or teachers that leads us to believe we will succeed before we even begin! Some people automatically think anything they try is possible if they only put their mind to it. Others lack that confidence and in turn believe the odds are against them before they even begin a challenge.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford
The question becomes how do we change those beliefs that work against us in life? If you lack confidence, how do you gain confidence? If you continually sabotage your relationships by becoming impatient and snapping at people, how do you stop those behaviors? We all have beliefs and behaviors in our lives that need to be reprogrammed. So how do you go about reprogramming your life?
CHANGE YOUR THINKING
Well, to change our beliefs, we must first change our thinking. If you lack confidence, your ability to find it begins with your own words. Let’s try something. I want you to begin counting in your head from 10 to 1 backwards, and when you get half way done, speak something out of your mouth. Ready: GO!
What happened to the counting when you spoke? It stopped. You see, it is very hard to think on one thing while saying something out loud. Your thoughts gravitate to that action of speaking. This is how we can reprogram our lives.
If you lack confidence, you must begin to tell yourself you are confident. I know; at first you won’t believe it. But in time, with continual practice, you eventually will begin to see it – at first just a little, and later even more! If you snap at people because you are impatient, begin telling yourself that you are patient. Speak out what you want and you cannot think on something else! Remember the train that “thought he could?” “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…” That makes sense now, doesn’t it?
MAKE AN AGREEMENT WITH YOURSELF
Find those beliefs that are holding you back, sabotaging your success, or making your relationships hard. Write down on a piece of paper what you need to be instead of those things. If you aren’t confident, write “I am confident.” If you aren’t patient, write “I am patient.” If you aren’t strong, write “I am strong.” Yes, you can have more than one. Take two or three.
Write them down and read them every morning when you get up, before you walk into a meeting, or before you get home to your family – whenever you need those things – just speak them out of your mouth. It’s good to do this while looking into your eyes in the mirror. At first this will be awkward, but soon you’ll begin to believe it!
Before I went to The Biggest Loser, I would tell myself, “I am a joyful and passionate man!” At that time in my life I had lost all joy and passion. I needed that again! I began to believe it, and I found the joy, and then I surely found the passion! Now I need focus, so I tell myself “I am a joyful, passionate and focused man!” Soon, my beliefs will change. And so will yours!
In The Journey Training, we see people enter the training every month believing wrong things about their lives. These beliefs may have been programmed by the words of others, or even their own words about themselves. By the time these people finish their training, you can see a complete difference in the way they look, walk and carry themselves. Some look physically different, while some just can’t stop smiling – and they are believing different things about themselves, too!
When will you reach for what you want – when will you begin reprogramming your life? Just remember these three simple steps.
Know your life programming
Change your thinking
Make an agreement with yourself
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Have you ever heard someone say, “That was a defining moment?” Have you ever stopped to think about what that really means?
We all know the obvious “life changers” like getting married, having children, or graduating from college. They could even be negative such as the loss of a loved one, an automobile accident, or a divorce. But what about the other ones?
You may be wondering which ones I am meaning. I’m talking about those defining moments that make up who you are. Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do? And on the other hand, why you don’t do the things you should do?
We are a product of our experiences. We don’t always remember our experiences. For example, we learn at an early age that when we cry, help would come. Perhaps I began to associate my feeling with food, because my mother probably fed me to make me stop crying. Could that be a small part of the reason I grew to 460 pounds – and continue to struggle with food, especially when I am lonely, in pain, or angry? Who knows? But I want to find out! You can read about some of my defining moments at TheDannyCahill.com
The truth is when we are born, our incredible brain starts recording every experience we have, along with the outcome, and we form beliefs – beliefs that serve us and beliefs that don’t serve us. We are a product of our beliefs. Most of the decisions we make are not made by us – they are made by our beliefs. And most of our beliefs were created by memories we may not even remember.
This simple knowledge can help us to change our behaviors. If you chop the weed off at the surface, it will grow back. But if you dig up the root, you can remove it for good. The same thing goes with our behavior. If you want to change the behavior you must get to the belief – the root – of why you do what you do.
Change is an inside-out transformation; not outside-in. Want to change your behavior – and in turn your results? Then find out where your beliefs may be missing the mark. The bible verse, “Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (Romans 7:20 NIV)
The good thing is that you can change. Each month in The Journey Training, we watch people find some of those beliefs that produce behaviors they don’t want anymore. They can deal with that “weed” and pull it up for good! If you’d like to learn more about The Journey Training, just go the www.thejourneytraining.com.
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