Have you heard something like, “It’s better to give someone a hand up than a handout”? Well, contrary to societal opinion, it’s not a mean or cruel statement. It’s wisdom, because it strikes at the heart of human nature. Sure, there are times to give freely to people in need because we’ve been so blessed. I believe we’re called do so and I bet you do just that. But, when I put my hand out—feeling entitled, deserving, and play the victim—there are clear consequences:
I become lazy
I get angry
I fail to contribute
I don’t serve
I stop learning
Let’s look at these briefly.
I become lazy. If I am handed stuff, why sweat, labor, and toil? Even though we were created to create and designed to work, any person given all he or she needs will find the path of doing nothing an easy one to tread. I simply become lazy.
I get angry. When I believe I’m entitled and then don’t get “what I deserve,” my thoughts are, Hey, not fair! and Why would they do this to me!? And because thoughts drive feelings, the output can only be one thing: Now I’m mad! Anger is generally an unhealthy place to be, serving none of us well.
I fail to contribute. There’s not a “motivational speaker” who hasn’t said, “What goes around comes around!” and “To get you must first give!” Well, no matter your view of these sweaty people on the platform, they’re right. It’s just the way the world works. It’s forever true: we reap what we sow. Truly, when my hand is out, I’m not using it, nor my feet, energy, or talent to add value to anyone else’s life. Fail!
I don’t serve. This sounds like contribution, but it comes before. Contribution is the result; service is the act. The act of serving feeds our soul, ignites our spirit, and creates joy–in us. When engaged in victim thinking, there’s about zero chance I’ll be serving and thus contributing to anyone–not even myself.
I stop learning. If I am lost in the forest, have never been a Boy Scout and want to survive, I would have to learn and learn fast! There would be no time for the traps victim thinking leads to: complaining, blaming, and procrastinating. I would work–intensely—to find food, water, and shelter. I may lack the skills, but the desire to learn would envelope me. If you hand me all that I need to make it, I would learn nothing.
So honest question: Have you ever found yourself in any of these places?
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When I am operating within my mission, it keeps me going.
How can I teach when I do not know?
Being stuck does not allow me to learn.
How can I inspire when I am stuck in a hole?
I need to keep pushing forward.
How can I serve when I am stuck?
Look at it this way; if you were a waiter, could you serve the table if you are sitting in your chair?
As a leader, it is my role to set the example for others; getting stuck is not what I choose to do. WAIT, unfortunately sometimes it does, so what do I do?
I surround myself with people that energize me.
I am not looking for those who are in a pity party; otherwise I will end up in the pit with them. If you put a crab in a bucket and it can climb out of that bucket, it will climb out. But if you put two crabs in the bucket, when one of the crabs tries to climb out, the other will pull it back in. Neither will ever escape. It doesn’t matter that it’s possible to escape, the crabs will hold each other back from doing so, that’s why its important to choose driven and like-minded people to be in the bucket with you. Thrive15.com is an “edutainment” company created to help you succeed; I choose to be surrounded by mentors that help me stay driven. I enjoy being around those that encourage me to be a better version of me. The Journey Training allows me to be around people that encourage me to pause in my life and take action on things I may be putting off.
Listen to music that uplifts me.
There are certain kinds of music that uplifts our spirit, others that supports our misery. I choose uplifting. I also listen to soundtracks from movies. I think and you think of happy things, it changes your mood.
I go for a walk
When you exercise it releases endorphins, and it puts you in a better mood. I was recently on a walk, and irritated by my own decisions. I came across this HUGEMOUNGOUS, UGLY spider. It was eating its own web. I sat there for 30 minutes. No radio, no TV, no distractions other than the occasional bird, or dog barking, and watched it. It was almost like the spider was taking up the webbing that it had made, and put in the wrong place and was eating it. I read later that spiders do that to get back the energy and protein it needs. It helped me realize that some of the decisions I made may have been wrong, but I can learn from them, and they can make me stronger.
The solution here is when you get stuck, get moving! Take action! Hiding, going to bed, addictions, watching TV, all of these are easy ways to stay in your rut, in fact they are ways to continue to stay stuck.
When you are ready to make a change, you will take action. This is one of the many reasons I am a HUGE supporter of The Journey Training. You want to get unstuck, go thru this training. I will guarantee this will help you. Why? Because you are taking action, taking a step.
Being stuck is a just that – stuck! Want to be Unstuck? Get UNSTUCK!
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In our culture of Instagram and hashtags, people are always posting pictures with #nofilter. The person posting the picture is promoting the fact that the picture hasn’t been edited. There is no lightened effect or any coloring added to the photo. The photo is authentic. It’s completely real and I’ll be honest, when I see that hashtag, I’m frequently in awe of the picture because it is so rare to see unedited photos anymore.
I heard Pastor Andy Stanley preach with the theme #nofilter. He said things and put things on the screen that you wouldn’t expect to hear in a church sermon. He was putting it all out there. But that kind of authenticity reaches people! Andy has a reputation for preaching good wisdom for Christians, but common sense for anyone listening who is not a Christian.
What would life be like if we all lived with no filter? I don’t mean where we said and did every single thing that came to mind. I mean, what if everyone around you was truly living authentically, being comfortable in their own skin and being REAL with themselves and others? I believe there would be less fear and doubt. There would be greater vulnerability with one another, which would build intimacy.
When I attended The Journey Training‘s first class, Threshold, people were unfiltered right out of the gate. It even surprised the team how fast our group got authentic with a group of perfect strangers! That unfiltered authenticity built special relationships. It fostered an environment in which I was comfortable removing filters even I had.
Maybe we won’t be seen in the best light. Maybe we will show our flaws. Maybe others will see we aren’t perfect. They’ll see the real deal. They will see us. #nofilter.
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I vaguely remember being normal. I was 7 years old and in the second grade. That is the last time I remember being normal. Since then, I’ve been me. So exactly who am I? I am someone who has never taken a bite of food without placing a label on it – labels like “I shouldn’t be eating this” and “I can’t let mom know” and “I’ll just skip the next meal to make up for it.” Yea. I’m that guy.
Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Many of you know of people like me, but you just can’t relate. Every bite of food, every meal, every treat, every drink – they’ve all been my adversary. I’ve never been able to truly enjoy a meal like others I know – without the guilt and shame that come with it. And every meal is a pound that will show up on my body. Guaranteed.
A Taste of Victory
I was 15 years old. I hadn’t had a girlfriend in almost 4 years. You know why? Because of my weight, of course! Who could love a guy like me? OH! Just a minute…mom brought home some Doritos! OH NO! I did it again! Ate the whole bag! I’ll never have a girlfriend… 🙁
Wait! I’ve got it! “Mom, will you buy a large jug of that low-calorie Italian salad dressing from Sam’s Club? I know it’s eight dollars, but it’ll be so worth it! And bring home 4 heads of iceberg lettuce, too. Thanks!” Now I’ve got to run that mile around the block. All I have to do is go out my door, run up the street, down to 3rd street, around the park to Crosby, then back home. That’s a mile. I’ll do that every morning and every evening. “What? Did I put anything on the salad? Yea, sure mom! I did.” There is no way I’m putting cheese, or anything else on my salad! That’s extra calories! I’ll just tell them I did and they’ll never know.
“What mom? All of the Diet Coke cans in my room? I’m only drinking 1 or 2 a day, I promise!” Ha! She’ll never figure out that I remain full of Diet Coke and have no room for food. And it’s ZERO calories! A win-win, right?!
What you’ve just read above was a picture of the summer between my 10th and 11th grade year. I left school at 240 pounds, and came back to enroll at 165 – I had lost 75 pounds in three months! As I walked through the gym, I could hear the voices whispering,”Is that Danny Cahill? WOW! He looks GREAT! I never knew he had it in him! Maybe he’ll ask me out on a date!” I felt worthy for the first time in 9 years. And it came with my weight – a connection I would never, ever lose.
The Oklahoma 500
Soon after getting married, it began again – the weight gain. 200, then 250, then 300, then 400, then almost 500 pounds! I was a wreck! I just couldn’t stop eating! And please, don’t ask me to do anything. I just want to sit – it hurts too much to stand!
That’s when I felt that same urge I felt at 15 years old again – I would find a way to lose the weight! And along came The Biggest Loser. I made it on the 3rd show I tried out for, lost 239 pounds (by burning 8000 calories daily while eating somewhere in the realm of 800 calories) and popped out of the paper at 191! I had lost 239 pounds! I felt like that guy in the gym, walking across to enroll in my junior year. I could hear the fans, my family, the press, everyone talking like they did that day 23 years before when I disappeared fat to reappear thin! Even Meredith Vieira and Ann Curry flirted with me on the Today show! I had it made, right! WRONG!
Here we go again
So fast forward 5 years, and the weight is creeping back on. The food is calling my name again and the bites are shameful, the meals are threatening, and my life is still in a shambles! It’s like nothing has changed!
This is the struggle many people have. The battle with the scale goes on and on, and no matter how hard we seem to try, nothing works! The weight comes back with a vengeance and we fail over and over again. The shame gets even more magnified with each failure and the guilt is so heavy it makes it hard to live. But wait! There’s another fad diet right around the corner for me to try – and lose – and eventually fail at.
The truth
The truth is that there are more things at work than simply one thing. There are many perspectives to why we cannot keep the weight off. First and foremost, our worth cannot be tied to our weight. God isn’t more proud of us if we are 175 than if we are 400 pounds. He loves us the same. He wants us healthy, but more than that, he wants us happy. And that’s a good start. No matter where you are, the “WHY” to get healthy cannot be only aesthetic. And we have to learn to love ourselves regardless of our failures and victories.
Second, we are ALWAYS on a diet! The definition of DIET is “the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats.” Guess what? You can change your diet, but you are always eating a diet! The real question is what diet is the healthiest and best for you? What is sustainable – that you can live with for the rest of your life? Can you really eat all protein for the rest of your life? Are you really going to drink shakes for your meals 3 times a day forever? Are you really going to eat iceberg lettuce with Sam’s Club low-calorie Italian dressing and drink diet coke until you die?
Third, there’s bodily science. I learned this the hard way after damaging my metabolism by the large deficit of energy I expended vs. eating those 7 months on The Biggest Loser. My Leptin levels (a hormone that controls your hunger) were completely depleted and has barely made it back to 50%. My brain says I’m hungry after eating a full meal!
There are lots of reasons it’s hard to keep weight off long term. I am in the process of finding my balance, and after all these years I think I might be as close as I’ve ever been. The difference between the 8 year old Danny and the Danny of today is clear. I know my worth – regardless of my weight. And I know God loves me the same. So my “WHY” isn’t to be loved any more. My “WHY” is to be healthy and happy and live a long life. And I can’t think of a better “WHY”, can you? And I know one thing for sure. My past failures don’t predict my future – and I know there is hope for me yet!
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It’s too much! I’m overwhelmed! He or she won’t leave me alone. They’re really overwhelming me. I have to plan, cook, clean, take care of the kids, and insert 5 other obligations! I’m so overwhelmed! It’s all too much!
Any of these sound familiar? We use the word overwhelmed to describe a significant degree of intense emotion. It can be used positively (overwhelmed by support, for example), but is often used in a negative manner.
According to Merriam-Webster, overwhelmed can mean 1. To affect someone or something very strongly, 2. To cause someone to have too much to deal with, and 3. To defeat someone completely.
In my experience, overwhelmed is OVERWHELMINGLY associated with Definition 2, to cause someone to have too much to deal with. I have been changing my perspective to define it as the first, to affect someone very strongly.
Big Daddy Weave has a song, “Overwhelmed”. It’s a beautiful song for worship, with lyrics like, “I delight myself in You, captivated by Your beauty. I’m overwhelmed by You.” Captivated by God, now isn’t that much better than having too much to deal with?
In the next month from the time this is written, I will be moving and will begin a school year as a full-time Special Education teacher. It can be easy to feel overwhelmed already, in that I have too much to do. I’m choosing to keep the perspective, not of too much to do, but being captivated by all that I GET to do! I have a new home AND a new job! How awesome! I’m captivated by this next chapter of my life!
In The Journey Training, participants are equipped with tools to deal with their feelings and perspectives! Sign up for the next Threshold class and you will be overwhelmed by the love and support you receive…and you don’t have to cook or clean a thing!
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I have a very heavy story of redemption and the topics of my testimony can be shocking to some. I’ve spent quite a lot of time just getting comfortable telling my story without the fear of what people might think. I felt that once I reached that place, I had arrived at true vulnerability but God has recently been teaching me that honesty, although brave and courageous, is not the same as being vulnerable. Honesty does not equal vulnerability.
In regards to my story, honesty has been retelling the facts of who I once was. It means admitting to the life I lived and choosing to keep no part of me hidden in the dark. See, when I retell of my past experiences, I am able to tell the story with my guard up. My walls can be sky high. This is easy to do because it’s the past. I’ve already learned what reactions to expect. I’ve already decided how to justify my actions or explain how I’m different. I can properly defend myself. And more importantly, I’ve already come to a conclusion on what I’m going to allow my story to say about me. I can be proud of my transformation so any judgmental reaction rolls off easier.
The trouble with this type of honesty is there is relatively no risk involved. If I’m carrying guilt and shame, the perceived risk is much higher but, in all actuality, there isn’t much risk, at all. It becomes calculated risk. I know who to tell and when. I know what parts of my story to skim and what parts to go deep. I am, in this moment, in control of the outcome.
Vulnerability means being open and exposed to the possibility of emotional, mental and/or physical injury. True vulnerability is present tense. It’s right now. It’s raw and it’s real and the risk is so great because the scenario has never played out before. I don’t know what will happen and I am out in the open with an unknown in front of me. Vulnerability requires trust in God, to the degree that bearing yourself, in a moment of humanness, honest, pure, and humble; you’re able to accept whatever reaction might come your way.
Many people can tell their stories and be honest and vulnerable, at the same time. If I tell you how I used to be gay, I’m being honest. But if I tell you how, coming out of that lifestyle, has made me, currently, struggle with relating with people, and how I isolate myself out of fear of my heart ever connecting to the wrong people, I’m being vulnerable. Vulnerability is exemplified, more, however, in our actions than our words. I can tell you how I was bullied and beat up, rejected, most of my life, but the moment I allow someone new into my life, and I choose to trust again, I’m being vulnerable.
Do I choose to love again? Do I allow my kids to see my true heart? Do I give up my control and break down my walls? Have I really given over all of my life to God? Can I put my agenda aside for a greater picture? Am I humble? Do I show honor without reservation? Do I live a life of gratitude? Can I admit when I’m wrong? Can I accept the consequences?
We all have stories, many of which are inspirational, but nothing inspires me more than a heart that is willing to be seen, right where they are at, nothing to prove, and everything to lose. The true heart of vulnerability is humility, and a complete surrender and trust that the God of the universe is madly in love with you. He sees you, and knows you, and is proud to call you His, in every moment.
I challenge you, don’t just read people your story, show them your heart.
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