For most of my life I can remember feeling like I had a black cloud following me around everywhere I would go. When I became an adult,and had some hard things happen in my life. I went from feeling like I had a black cloud following me to feeling like I was fighting to keep my head 
above water so I wouldn’t drown in a sea of emotions that were pulling me under like crashing waves. For most of my life, I had been taught to not allow my feelings to control me. I became an expert at putting on a good face to others by stuffing and denying how I truly felt. But inside I was fighting to catch my breath because I was drowning in a sea of anger, pain, shame, fear, and loneliness.
After my 20-year marriage came to an end, these feelings increased in their control over me and my life was filled with rage, depression, worthlessness, panic, and loneliness. Through The Journey Training I learned that this was the result of stuffing, denying, and not acknowledging what I was truly feeling. I had spent a lifetime thinking that this was how you “didn’t allow your emotions to control you”.
The truth was they were controlling me – in very negative ways. By not acknowledging the anger I felt at my husband for his part in our marriage ending, I would blow up in a fit of rage at my children over something as insignificant as a sock on the floor. I was overwhelmed by worthlessness because I had not even considered the amount of shame I felt for staying in a marriage for so long with someone who had made choices that deeply wounded me. Depression also ruled my life because of the pain I had endured during my childhood, with an alcoholic father who physically abused my mother and the emotional hurts my mother inflicted upon us as a result of her own pain. Finding myself a single mom of 4 children, I would now have many moments of panic. I was afraid of not being able to adequately provide for them (even though their father was an amazing financial support during this time) and also paranoid that I would never recover and have the opportunity to be loved and married again. Isolation has always been a part of my life as an introvert. It is very easy to hide away and not interact with others, especially when I was so insecure that I often felt alone in a room full of people. So, I would isolate all the more to avoid that feeling of loneliness.
At The Journey Training, I learned tools to help me process or acknowledge my feelings and I found gifts on the other side. I learned that by acknowledging what I am feeling anger about, I could find the motivation to do something about the situation instead of denying what I was feeling. For example, my adult son was not paying us for his phone and insurance as agreed upon and was not putting forth much effort to get a job. Instead of continually griping at him about it (as if that was doing any good), I found the motivation to set a boundary and inform him that he had until a set time to pay the two bills and if he did not, the data would be shut off on his phone and he would not be allowed to drive any car because he would be removed from the insurance policy. The result, he found a job within a week and our relationship was not damaged by my continuous nagging. It was a win – win!
When you touch a hot stove, it burns to let you know that something has happened to your body that needs your attention. Feelings are that same kind of alert – to let you know something has happened to your soul that needs your attention. If we ignored the physical pain we feel when we burn our hand, the pain would increase and some kind of nasty infection would probably develop. Consider what our souls must look like when we ignore the warning signs that our emotions are giving us!
If you would like to learn more about tools for processing and acknowledging your feelings, consider coming to the next class at The Journey Training. I am beyond thankful that I did 4 years ago! I no longer feel as if I am emotionally drowning nor do I have a black cloud following me! Do I ever have a bad day? Of course! But now I know what to do to identify the cause of whatever I am feeling and deal with it before it infects my soul.
Have you heard something like, “It’s better to give someone a hand up than a handout”? Well, contrary to societal opinion, it’s not a mean or cruel statement. It’s wisdom, because it strikes at the heart of human nature. Sure, there are times to give freely to people in need because we’ve been so blessed. I believe we’re called do so and I bet you do just that. But, when I put my hand out—feeling entitled, deserving, and play the victim—there are clear consequences:
- I become lazy
- I get angry
- I fail to contribute
- I don’t serve
- I stop learning
Let’s look at these briefly.
- I become lazy.
If I am handed stuff, why sweat, labor, and toil? Even though we were created to create and designed to work, any person given all he or she needs will find the path of doing nothing an easy one to tread. I simply become lazy.
- I get angry.
When I believe I’m entitled and then don’t get “what I deserve,” my thoughts are, Hey, not fair! and Why would they do this to me!? And because thoughts drive feelings, the output can only be one thing: Now I’m mad! Anger is generally an unhealthy place to be, serving none of us well.
- I fail to contribute.
There’s not a “motivational speaker” who hasn’t said, “What goes around comes around!” and “To get you must first give!” Well, no matter your view of these sweaty people on the platform, they’re right. It’s just the way the world works. It’s forever true: we reap what we sow. Truly, when my hand is out, I’m not using it, nor my feet, energy, or talent to add value to anyone else’s life. Fail!
- I don’t serve.
This sounds like contribution, but it comes before. Contribution is the result; service is the act. The act of serving feeds our soul, ignites our spirit, and creates joy–in us. When engaged in victim thinking, there’s about zero chance I’ll be serving and thus contributing to anyone–not even myself.
- I stop learning.
If I am lost in the forest, have never been a Boy Scout and want to survive, I would have to learn and learn fast! There would be no time for the traps victim thinking leads to: complaining, blaming, and procrastinating. I would work–intensely—to find food, water, and shelter. I may lack the skills, but the desire to learn would envelope me. If you hand me all that I need to make it, I would learn nothing.
So honest question: Have you ever found yourself in any of these places?
In our culture of Instagram and hashtags, people are always posting pictures with #nofilter. The person posting the picture is promoting the fact that the picture hasn’t been edited. There is no lightened effect or any coloring added to the photo. The photo is authentic. It’s completely real and I’ll be honest, when I see that hashtag, I’m frequently in awe of the picture because it is so rare to see unedited photos anymore.
I heard Pastor Andy Stanley preach with the theme #nofilter. He said things and put things on the screen that you wouldn’t expect to hear in a church sermon. He was putting it all out there. But that kind of authenticity reaches people! Andy has a reputation for preaching good wisdom for Christians, but common sense for anyone listening who is not a Christian.
What would life be like if we all lived with no filter? I don’t mean where we said and did every single thing that came to mind. I mean, what if everyone around you was truly living authentically, being comfortable in their own skin and being REAL with themselves and others? I believe there would be less fear and doubt. There would be greater vulnerability with one another, which would build intimacy.
When I attended The Journey Training‘s first class, Threshold, people were unfiltered right out of the gate. It even surprised the team how fast our group got authentic with a group of perfect strangers! That unfiltered authenticity built special relationships. It fostered an environment in which I was comfortable removing filters even I had.
Maybe we won’t be seen in the best light. Maybe we will show our flaws. Maybe others will see we aren’t perfect. They’ll see the real deal. They will see us. #nofilter.
I have a very heavy story of redemption and the topics of my testimony can be shocking to some. I’ve spent quite a lot of time just getting comfortable telling my story without the fear of what people might think. I felt that once I reached that place, I had arrived at true vulnerability but God has recently been teaching me that honesty, although brave and courageous, is not the same as being vulnerable. Honesty does not equal vulnerability.
In regards to my story, honesty has been retelling the facts of who I once was. It means admitting to the life I lived and choosing to keep no part of me hidden in the dark. See, when I retell of my past experiences, I am able to tell the story with my guard up. My walls can be sky high. This is easy to do because it’s the past. I’ve already learned what reactions to expect. I’ve already decided how to justify my actions or explain how I’m different. I can properly defend myself. And more importantly, I’ve already come to a conclusion on what I’m going to allow my story to say about me. I can be proud of my transformation so any judgmental reaction rolls off easier.
The trouble with this type of honesty is there is relatively no risk involved. If I’m carrying guilt and shame, the perceived risk is much higher but, in all actuality, there isn’t much risk, at all. It becomes calculated risk. I know who to tell and when. I know what parts of my story to skim and what parts to go deep. I am, in this moment, in control of the outcome.
Vulnerability means being open and exposed to the possibility of emotional, mental and/or physical injury. True vulnerability is present tense. It’s right now. It’s raw and it’s real and the risk is so great because the scenario has never played out before. I don’t know what will happen and I am out in the open with an unknown in front of me. Vulnerability requires trust in God, to the degree that bearing yourself, in a moment of humanness, honest, pure, and humble; you’re able to accept whatever reaction might come your way.
Many people can tell their stories and be honest and vulnerable, at the same time. If I tell you how I used to be gay, I’m being honest. But if I tell you how, coming out of that lifestyle, has made me, currently, struggle with relating with people, and how I isolate myself out of fear of my heart ever connecting to the wrong people, I’m being vulnerable. Vulnerability is exemplified, more, however, in our actions than our words. I can tell you how I was bullied and beat up, rejected, most of my life, but the moment I allow someone new into my life, and I choose to trust again, I’m being vulnerable.
Do I choose to love again? Do I allow my kids to see my true heart? Do I give up my control and break down my walls? Have I really given over all of my life to God? Can I put my agenda aside for a greater picture? Am I humble? Do I show honor without reservation? Do I live a life of gratitude? Can I admit when I’m wrong? Can I accept the consequences?
We all have stories, many of which are inspirational, but nothing inspires me more than a heart that is willing to be seen, right where they are at, nothing to prove, and everything to lose. The true heart of vulnerability is humility, and a complete surrender and trust that the God of the universe is madly in love with you. He sees you, and knows you, and is proud to call you His, in every moment.
I challenge you, don’t just read people your story, show them your heart.
“The things in life I have learned from my dog” has become a very real statement to our family. Our family was recently in search of a new family pet. Little did we know that we would experience an incredible blessing through the power of love in that search.
Our family are pet loving freaks! Home would feel empty without little paws running around. We recently had to say goodbye to our fourteen year old fur baby, Beau. It was heartbreaking for everyone, and it was especially hard on our other little dog Snickers. So started our search for Snicker’s new friend. We started with putting out feelers to area vets for a rescue pet. Oh – and Petfinder is so much fun!!! I love looking at all the cute little faces in need of a home; my only problem was that I wanted them all!
With four children, the decision to adopt a second dog was a big one! There was a big disagreement among our family: would we choose another little dog or a big one? The small dog side won & we adopted the cutest little puppy we named Daisy. Although since we named her we have decided that she should have been named Miss Piggy! She is a little roly poly! Our family was excited, happy and content with our new little girl. THEN, I got a phone call.
An Unexpected Rescue
A vet I had reached out to in the beginning was on the line and said, “We have a little angel that needs lots of love. I think he is perfect for you. He is a golden retriever and lab mix. He is a very shy and cautious little guy. He has been horribly abused and is blind in his left eye. He needs a lot of love and patience.” So if adopting a second dog was not a big enough decision, we were now considering three dogs???
We called several friends for their opinions, but we were really just wanting them to talk some sense into us. Their response – “YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY! But what’s new?!”
To make a long story short, we picked up Colt that week. What a sweet dog he was but so scared and introverted. Even the tiniest noise or move would cause him to jump and withdraw; he was terrified. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how this was going to work out. Our boys had wanted a big dog to run and play with, but Colt was not that dog. I began questioning if we had made the right decision. “Was a home with active little boys, the right home for him?” Yet, we were committed to just love him and show him that he was in a safe place, and we did just that. We spent time with him, loving him, petting him, protecting him and showing him affection.
The Power of Love
WOW! This is where we saw the true power of love – unconditional love! After just 4 days of unconditional love Colt came alive! We watched a terrified little dog turn into a big, bouncy, happy and playful, energetic and trusting puppy. It has been so much fun to watch this 2-year old dog live the life of the puppy he had never gotten to be. He has more energy than our two boys combined – and that’s enough energy to run a small town! Now the three pawed amigos – Snickers, Daisy and Colt – are all so happy and home!
What have we learned from our dog?
We can be beaten down, abused and scared, but there is always hope for us to live the life we were intended. If we live life accepting that we are victims, we will remain in our own shell – hurting, withdrawn and holding people at a distance. We have to allow ourselves to become vulnerable; to share our hurts, and in turn open ourselves up to be loved. No – not everyone is going to give us unconditional love and a safe place, and we are probably not going to have someone come and rescue us either. But we can always rescue ourselves by surrounding ourselves with safe people. People who will encourage us, build us up and love us with God’s unconditional love, helping us to be all that we were created to be.
Today, it’s your choice! It’s time to take responsibility for your own joy. Click here to rescue yourself!
