We tend to find exactly what we are looking for. If we expect negativity, we tend to find it. If we are searching for a great experience, we often find that as well. Let me give you an example from my own life.
A long time ago I was convinced that a guy at the Chick-fil-A Home Office had it in for me. He would often call me and ask difficult questions about my store that I didn’t have answers for and then took days to return phone calls when I left messages. It all left me frustrated and I began to feel like he was trying to get rid of me. Once there was a former operator who came by my store to see me. The guy at the home office found out about this visit and grilled me about it. My frustration level grew to a whole new level and I told him that if he didn’t think I was up to being an Operator, he should come get my keys (not a wise thing to say on my part but, “Whew!” I am still here).
Here is a different way that I could have chosen to view the situation:
A long time ago there was this guy who worked at the Chick-fil-A Home Office who really cared about and looked out for me. He often called to ask me questions that would force me to stretch and grow in my thinking. It wasn’t always pleasant, but if you don’t know what you don’t know, then you can’t become better, right? Sometimes when I would call him back to get his perspective on something, he would take time to think it over before calling me back. That way he could give me the best possible feedback. On one occasion I had a former operator come to visit me and talk to me about the business. I told the guy at the home office about the visit and he warned me that even though the visit seemed like nothing, it might turn out to have negative consequences and that I might want to shy away from encounters like that. At first it made me threatened as a leader, but I later came to understand the heart behind his advice and chose to appreciate where he was coming from. I grew to be thankful for my corporate office ally.
Do you see the difference in these two stories?
The difference is me. The difference is in the way I chose to look for, in the way I chose to see the situation.
We cannot control everything that happens to us. But we CAN chose how we react to it. We CAN choose how we want to frame it and what we decide that it all means. These choices can literally change everything about the outcome, but it will ALWAYS change something within us.
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Here’s your homework for this week:
Make a conscious choice to look at every situation you encounter in the next week in a positive light. Then come back here and let us know how it went.
Here are some interesting facts about time:
- We all get the same amount per day
- How we use our time is a choice
- Once time passes, we can’t get it back
If we each get exactly the same amount of time per day, why can some people do more with it than others? Why are some wildly successful in their careers, family life, and passions while others seem struggle to just get basic things done? I believe the answers can be found in the second fact – how we use the time we are given is a choice.
I sometimes hear people say, “Everything comes easy for him” or “I’d be successful, too, if I’d been given the chance.” I even said, “He got his college paid for and his career handed to him” about one of my friends. And I’ve had people tell me, “Of course you lost the weight. If I had The Biggest Loser, I’d lose the weight, too!” Unfortunately this is all too common. We tend to make excuses of why we don’t have what we really want when it’s really more about how we use the time we are given.
Every person I have talked to who is successful in a business, their family, or their skill tells me the same thing – they’ve put the time in. They were handed a choice of what to do with their time – whether to watch TV or spend some time with their kids. Maybe to play golf on Saturday or to work on that client’s file they’ve wanted to land. Each choice is not right or wrong – but they do have a price & benefit. The price might be your golf game might suffer, but the benefit might be that you land those clients that make your business successful. The price might be that don’t get to find out who was voted off the island but the benefit is a closer relationship with your children.
Remember, the choices aren’t right or wrong, they are just different. What we can’t afford to do is walk around blaming where we are on outside circumstances instead of our choices. When we do this, we fall into a victim mentality – a mentality that we do not control our own destiny, but the things that happen to us do. We need to practice a responsible mentality – that we are where we are because of the choices that we have made. When we practice a responsible mentality, we can do the most important thing: change our choices to change our results! But when we blame our failures on outside circumstance and practice a victim mentality, we give away the very power we have to change our life – our right to choose.
I urge you to stop making up stories about why others are successful in an area and you are not. Ask them how they built their business, built their family dynamic, or became an awesome guitar player – I’ll bet they’ll tell you they chose to work their tails off and put in the effort to get what they really want.
Remember that friend of mine I thought got his college paid for and his business handed to him? Actually, his father made him pay for his own schooling, and he worked long, hard hours for the first 5 years of his business to build it to where it is now – a multi-million dollar company. So when I see him playing golf on Saturday, I know the truth about his success. He earned it – by choosing to spend his time getting what he really wants. And I lost the weight on The Biggest Loser by choosing to work hard – 7 to 8 hours per day – and no one handed me that. I worked for it!
Have you heard something like, “It’s better to give someone a hand up than a handout”? Well, contrary to societal opinion, it’s not a mean or cruel statement. It’s wisdom, because it strikes at the heart of human nature. Sure, there are times to give freely to people in need because we’ve been so blessed. I believe we’re called do so and I bet you do just that. But, when I put my hand out—feeling entitled, deserving, and play the victim—there are clear consequences:
- I become lazy
- I get angry
- I fail to contribute
- I don’t serve
- I stop learning
Let’s look at these briefly.
- I become lazy.
If I am handed stuff, why sweat, labor, and toil? Even though we were created to create and designed to work, any person given all he or she needs will find the path of doing nothing an easy one to tread. I simply become lazy.
- I get angry.
When I believe I’m entitled and then don’t get “what I deserve,” my thoughts are, Hey, not fair! and Why would they do this to me!? And because thoughts drive feelings, the output can only be one thing: Now I’m mad! Anger is generally an unhealthy place to be, serving none of us well.
- I fail to contribute.
There’s not a “motivational speaker” who hasn’t said, “What goes around comes around!” and “To get you must first give!” Well, no matter your view of these sweaty people on the platform, they’re right. It’s just the way the world works. It’s forever true: we reap what we sow. Truly, when my hand is out, I’m not using it, nor my feet, energy, or talent to add value to anyone else’s life. Fail!
- I don’t serve.
This sounds like contribution, but it comes before. Contribution is the result; service is the act. The act of serving feeds our soul, ignites our spirit, and creates joy–in us. When engaged in victim thinking, there’s about zero chance I’ll be serving and thus contributing to anyone–not even myself.
- I stop learning.
If I am lost in the forest, have never been a Boy Scout and want to survive, I would have to learn and learn fast! There would be no time for the traps victim thinking leads to: complaining, blaming, and procrastinating. I would work–intensely—to find food, water, and shelter. I may lack the skills, but the desire to learn would envelope me. If you hand me all that I need to make it, I would learn nothing.
So honest question: Have you ever found yourself in any of these places?
