Have you ever found yourself in an argument with someone – perhaps your spouse, a family member, or a business partner – and you just couldn’t come to an agreement? Perhaps it’s not totally their fault. I know, I know… You’re always right, right?
A friend of mine told me that in the past she always said her dream home was a white home with a wrap-around porch. When she’d tell her husband about this, he’d say, “No way! Brick is what we’ll have!” She’d grit her teeth and think to herself, “Why is he so controlling?!” When I asked her, “What happened?” She told me she finally gave in and they now live in a brick home – which she loves! She said, “Utilities are cheaper, it protects from the elements so much better, and the resale value is much higher than a frame house like I wanted. I’m so glad we chose brick!” I asked her to explain why she was willing to give up her dream home. She continued, “I asked myself: Is my husband crazy? Nope. Is he stupid? Nope! Does he love me? Yup! Then there’s got to be a reason for that!” She chose to consider a positive possibility rather than a negative one.
When she chose to see things from a different perspective, that perhaps her husband had their best interests at heart, she was willing to let go and accept his decision – and now she’s happier for it! After hearing this story, I began thinking of all the things in life there’s got to be a reason for. All the fights, all the disagreements, and all of the decisions we make! I began to dig a little deeper and concluded that in life, we tend to make up stories about why someone does what they do. Sometimes, those stories are true; and sometimes they aren’t!
On the way to a hike, my son and I were driving by the casino when the car in front of us turned into the parking lot. It was 7:45am! I said, “That’s sad.” My son asked why it was sad and I told him, “If someone was pulling in to the casino that early, they must be an addicted gambler.” I was an addicted gambler years before and identified with them. He then said, “How do you know dad? They may be celebrating their birthday with family and meeting everyone there for breakfast.” Man, what wisdom! What a different perspective! He looked for a positive possibility rather than a negative one.
Later on the hike, I told that story to my Bootcamp and one of my trainees said, “She might have been going to work to provide for her kids.” WOW! That’s a possibility, too! Why am I so judgmental when I don’t know the real story? And the only way I’d know the real story is if I asked.
So many times in life, we make up stories and judge people by our own deductions of what their true intentions are. Perhaps we should just ask what they are rather than assuming something negative! If my friend had asked her husband why he wanted brick, he could have explained it to her. Maybe no argument would have ensued!
Then I thought if I quit judging people so harshly, I’d see the positive possibility instead of automatically gravitating to the negative one. And I promise; if you’re the one who gravitates to those negative possibilities, you’re not alone! Many people come to The Journey Training with behaviors that create unnecessary friction, drama, and negative outcomes in their life – and they don’t even know why! By the time their training is over, they’re not perfect; but at least they know some of why they do what they do. Then, if they choose, they can begin to change it – and in turn create a better life!
I promise you, whether you tend to choose the positive possibility or the negative possibility, there’s got to be a reason for that. Are you ready to find out why? Sign up for Threshold class in The Journey Training and open your eyes to a whole new world!
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People all over the country debate politics, religion, and morality. My friends? We debate over the location of a bathroom.
Four years ago, two friends and I were at the Rose and Crown Tavern when one asked the other where the bathroom was. The other friend said, “It’s in the back corner.” The one came back from the bathroom and insisted that the bathroom was NOT in the corner. This was debated for the rest of the meal.
Four years to the day later (thanks to Facebook’s on this day feature), the three of us returned to the Rose and Crown, or as we know it, the place where the bathroom is or is not in the corner. We were seated at a table with a straight view to the bathroom. Perfect!
Despite the noise of a tavern, on a Thursday night with Karaoke, the debate produced a healthy discourse. One of my friends said something that I thought was “being right is your perspective.” What she actually said was, “reality is your perspective.” Either way, WOW! Now the bathroom issue is getting somewhere.
Much of our reality, how we experience the world, is viewed only from our own personal perspective. One person may go to a corner bathroom. Another person may go to that same bathroom, but see the hallway that’s 6 feet from the corner as a part of the bathroom, and therefore, it’s not in the corner.
I’m going to go THERE and bring up politics – a very relevant experience of perspective.
You and I could watch the same channel playing the same speech, but our convictions, views, and experiences lead us to very different perspectives. Our reality of that speech can be very different.
“Being right is about your perspective.” Part of what made the bathroom debate last 4 years is the need to be right. Sometimes, we feel like we just have to be right about something and we just can’t allow ourselves to believe that what the other person is saying can possibly be right. We turn simple discussions into competitions where there has to be a winner. That means someone also has to be a loser. Is that really what we want?
In The Journey Training, participants learn to change their “I’m right!” perspective to “I acknowledge your position. This is my position…” This language and perspective change fosters healthy communication with active listening.
What was my position on the bathroom issue you ask? I see BOTH perspectives. The restroom hallway is not in the corner, but the door to the ladies room is in the corner! Just call me Switzerland!
Listen patiently. Listen attentively. There’s nothing frustrating like having a thought or ideas and having the listener ignore you or maybe not quite “connected.” Listen to what they have to say. Don’t be in a hurry to make excuses. Listen first. This sets the stage for turning the conversation more productive. Frustration can also be on your end later. How many times have you been frustrated at not getting all the information and realize, you were the one that didn’t effectively listen to all the facts? Listen patiently. Listen attentively.
Apologize.
Apologize for what happened. Don’t take it personally. It’s not likely something you did directly, but apologize anyway. More often than not, the listener needs to hear you recognizing what happened and to take responsibility. “I am so sorry!”
Solve.
The next step is to actually solve the problem. That’s the least we can do. Create a systematic solution in a creative and loving way. Did you offend the listener? What could you do differently in future conversations? How can you make the interaction better and create a better understanding for the next time you need to have a crucial conversation? Most of the time the listener wants… wait for it… to be heard and apologized to (“Listen” and “Apologize.) No excuses. Listen. Apologize. Then solve the problem, going the extra mile whenever possible.
Thank.
Thank them? Absolutely. Many times a listener will not say anything further to us, but if they bring something negative to our attention, that is an opportunity for us to get better at serving them. Yes, I said serving.
Proverbs 15: 31-33
“If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding. Fear of the Lord teaches wisdom; humility precedes honor.”
We should always be serving others with understanding. That alone deserves a “thank you!” That heartfelt gratitude on our part may be all it takes to turn them from frustration to acceptance and appreciation.
My wife, Noell, says a phrase all the time: “Would you rather be right or happy, because you can’t always be both!” We even have an exercise at The Journey Training about being right or happy.
“In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.” Romans 12:6 NLT
Is it better to have had and lost than to never have had at all? While you ponder that, allow me to share something that used to be a major pet peeve.
I used to get highly offended when someone would complain to me about their car being in the shop, or having to lend it to someone else. How could they possibly get around for a week with no car?
Why did this bother me? I have a visual impairment, so I can’t drive. I get around with the help of my family, friends, public transportation, and most recently, Uber. I have always had to figure out how to get from place to place, so from my perspective, a week with no car is minor. I confess that my thinking was judgmental. I have also come to respect the significance of the inconvenience. It comes down to potential.
Potential consists of latent (existing, but not developed) qualities that have the capacity to be developed. I’ve never been able to legally drive, so while the desire is within me, the capacity to do so (legally) never has existed. The potential is not there. However, the quality has been developed in those who do drive, and therefore, when a car is in the shop, they are not able to use their full mobility potential.
My potential, on the other hand, lies in the ability to get around extremely well despite my inability to drive! I am known for adventures like getting to a friend’s concert 100 miles away and back in 16 hours. I have potential to ask for help and creatively coordinate plans and rides…because it’s what I’ve always done! I have the potential to build amazing relationships from the car rides.
Are you tapping into your full potential? The Journey Training can provide you with tools to explore your potential and act on it! Don’t sit at home and mope because you don’t have a car. Drive (or ride) on over and sign up for the next class!
Prayer: Heavenly Father, help me understand that my potential is not defined by my circumstances.
Journal: What potential do I have that I am not using to the fullest?
Post/Tweet Today: Tap into your full potential! #limitless #triumph #thejourneytraining
Have you heard something like, “It’s better to give someone a hand up than a handout”? Well, contrary to societal opinion, it’s not a mean or cruel statement. It’s wisdom, because it strikes at the heart of human nature. Sure, there are times to give freely to people in need because we’ve been so blessed. I believe we’re called do so and I bet you do just that. But, when I put my hand out—feeling entitled, deserving, and play the victim—there are clear consequences:
I become lazy
I get angry
I fail to contribute
I don’t serve
I stop learning
Let’s look at these briefly.
I become lazy. If I am handed stuff, why sweat, labor, and toil? Even though we were created to create and designed to work, any person given all he or she needs will find the path of doing nothing an easy one to tread. I simply become lazy.
I get angry. When I believe I’m entitled and then don’t get “what I deserve,” my thoughts are, Hey, not fair! and Why would they do this to me!? And because thoughts drive feelings, the output can only be one thing: Now I’m mad! Anger is generally an unhealthy place to be, serving none of us well.
I fail to contribute. There’s not a “motivational speaker” who hasn’t said, “What goes around comes around!” and “To get you must first give!” Well, no matter your view of these sweaty people on the platform, they’re right. It’s just the way the world works. It’s forever true: we reap what we sow. Truly, when my hand is out, I’m not using it, nor my feet, energy, or talent to add value to anyone else’s life. Fail!
I don’t serve. This sounds like contribution, but it comes before. Contribution is the result; service is the act. The act of serving feeds our soul, ignites our spirit, and creates joy–in us. When engaged in victim thinking, there’s about zero chance I’ll be serving and thus contributing to anyone–not even myself.
I stop learning. If I am lost in the forest, have never been a Boy Scout and want to survive, I would have to learn and learn fast! There would be no time for the traps victim thinking leads to: complaining, blaming, and procrastinating. I would work–intensely—to find food, water, and shelter. I may lack the skills, but the desire to learn would envelope me. If you hand me all that I need to make it, I would learn nothing.
So honest question: Have you ever found yourself in any of these places?
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