Great customer service is one of the cornerstones Chick-fil-A is built on. I would love to tell you that we never have any complaints from customers, but that would not be true. Sometimes we miss the mark. When that happens, we need to respond quickly and act compassionately. We have a training that involves the acronym: L.A.S.T. We can also use this in everyday life. How many times have you had a confrontation with a co-worker, friend or family member? How did that interaction go? When you left, did you feel like you could have handled it better? Use LAST!
Listen. Apologize. Solve. Thank.
Listen.
Listen patiently. Listen attentively. There’s nothing frustrating like having a thought or ideas and having the listener ignore you or maybe not quite “connected”. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t be in a hurry to make excuses. Listen first. This sets the stage for turning the conversation more productive. Frustration can also be on your end later. How many times have you been frustrated at not getting all the information and realize, you were the one that didn’t effectively listen to all the facts? Listen patiently. Listen attentively.
Apologize.
Apologize for what happened. Don’t take it personally. It’s not likely something you did directly, but apologize anyway. More often than not, the listener needs to hear you recognizing what happened and to take responsibility. “I am so sorry!”
Solve.
The next step is to actually solve the problem. That’s the least we can do. Create a systematic solution in a creative and loving way. Did you offend the listener? What could you do differently in future conversations? How can you make the interaction better and create a better understanding for the next time you need to have a crucial conversation? Most of the time the listener wants… wait for it… to be heard and apologized to (“Listen” and “Apologize.) No excuses. Listen. Apologize. Then solve the problem, going the extra mile whenever possible.
Thank.
Thank them? Absolutely. Many times a listener will not say anything further to us, but if they bring something negative to our attention, that is an opportunity for us to get better at serving them. Yes, I said serving.
Proverbs 15: 31-33
“If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding. Fear of the Lord teaches wisdom; humility precedes honor.”
We should always be serving others with understanding. That alone deserves a “thank you!” That heartfelt gratitude on our part may be all it takes to turn them from frustration to acceptance and appreciation.
My wife, Noell, says a phrase all the time: “Would you rather be right or happy, because you can’t always be both!” We even have an exercise at The Journey Training about being right or happy.
According to the dictionary, here is the definition of handicap:
Handicap [han-dee-kap]
noun
1. the disadvantage or advantage itself.
2. any disadvantage that makes success more difficult: The main handicap of our business is lack of capital.
3. Sometimes Offensive. a physical or mental disability making participation in certain of the usual activities of daily living more difficult.
The picture is of my back – my actual back. No funny business, very real.
Life can throw you a curve ball
When I was 11 years old, I was told I had scoliosis. That meant nothing to me at the time. In my book Dysfunctional Inspiration, I wrote “While my life had been getting better, that scoliosis that I mentioned a while back had been getting worse. My mother took me to the doctor before school started, and he decided that the curvature in my spine needed to be dealt with ASAP. That meant I would need to wear a metal brace for the next two years—which were also my last two years of high school.
You’ve gotta be kidding! After everything I’d been through already, after all the hard work I’d put in, this was happening? What girl would ever consider going out with me? It would be like dating the tin man. How was I supposed to enjoy my last high school years? It was all too much. Sitting there in the doctor’s office, I started to cry. Not the feel-sorry-for-yourself kind, but actually more like the really, really mad kind. The kind where the tears stream off your face before they hit your chin kind. I was MAD! Partially at God. It was like, “Hey! I am doing every freaking thing I can, why can’t I get a break!?”
Not that it made a difference. My spine was curving into an “S,” which was not the proper shape for a spine. And it would only get worse. So I was fitted for what’s called a Milwaukee Brace; a contraption that kind of resembles a medieval torture device. It extended from my pelvis all the way up to my chin, and was made up of steel rods, fiberglass, and seat belt straps to hold it in place, and it would latch on the side, to hold my curve in place to keep the scoliosis from getting worse.
And yes – it was every bit as uncomfortable as it sounds. Sitting in a car was almost impossible—the seat pushed up on the brace until it would push up on my chin. I couldn’t even ride in certain cars—if they were too small, they couldn’t accommodate me. At school, sitting at my desk was also a challenge—I had to sit on the very edge of my seat with my legs tucked under the seat just to fit under the desk. Some desks had small openings that would tear my shirts getting in and out.
Of course, physical discomfort was only the tip of this particular iceberg. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you went to high school. In which case, I don’t need to tell you how cruel kids can be. And the sight of me clanging through the halls in my metal cage…well, I guess I was too tempting a target to ignore. They called me R2D2… they called me Robo-Boy…it was not a lot of fun. And it was certainly not the junior year I had envisioned for myself.
But something inside me wouldn’t let me fall apart this time. I had come so far—I had survived my mother’s drinking, my parents’ fighting and moves all over the country. I had found God, improved my grades and turned my life around. Maybe the old me would have given up and decided it was all too hard. But now I understood. I knew I had a choice. And I chose to live my life the best way I could.
Even today, I still have some physical limitations. I have endured many hours of back pain as my body and I wrestle to figure out just what those limitations are. Looking back, if I had to do it over again, and we had the means, I would have treated my scoliosis with surgery. Those muscles still grew, and grew wrapped around the bone, which makes certain things really painful, even today. However, I have adapted, and today I can almost always tell when I am about to have a muscle issue—so I go and rest so I can fight another day.”
Your ability (or disability) doesn’t define your worth
You have total control of your self-worth. When you look at a $100 bill, you don’t question how good it is based on how crumpled, messed up, torn or dirty it is. Its value is its value. One of the places I serve at is The Little Light House . There’s a quote there that I love. It says “our kids don’t have disabilities, they have different abilities.”
Test the limits, know your boundaries
Every one of us has limits. Even though as a teenager we behave like we don’t, we do have limits. (I wish I’d known this when I jumped off that 2nd story balcony with a bedsheet. I was trying to prove you could actually use it as a parachute!) Even though we do, it is important to test them. You need to know where your boundaries are. I know what I can do, and how much I can push it.
My wife hates it when I do stuff like this, but I know if I do something like this I will be fine to a point, then I need to rest. I know exactly what I can and can’t do. I can do this, but if I go golfing, then I am down for a week.
So my handicap doesn’t limit me; it just helps me view things from a different perspective.
“So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27 (NIV)
I’ve been struggling with something my whole life. For some reason, I’ve spent so many years and so much effort unconsciously tearing people down. While my heart isn’t like that at all, it was the result of many of my efforts. Being critical is a disease; and I’ve suffered from it for a long time. But something recently grabbed my attention and reminded me who I am created to be.
Family
As a youth, my sisters and I used to call each other names. It was really all in fun, but that old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” just isn’t true. Even playful name calling can cut deep – especially children. Growing up with 2 older sisters was tough! I always had to live up to expectations. If performance wasn’t to their satisfaction, they’d let me know – usually with a knuckle punch to the arm we knew as a “froggy.” Later after they had moved out, I replaced their criticisms with those of my own. I was so hard on myself, constantly beating myself up if I messed up at all!
Then I got married and began being overly critical of my wife. It almost drove her away, and in many ways destroyed her spark. I hate that now that I look back and realize what I did. Our marriage almost didn’t survive, but I thank God every day that it did.
And then God did it. He trusted me with two beautiful children. It was my job to mold them and shape them – to help them develop into the incredible people God intended them to be! Instead, much of my criticism did exactly the opposite. It made my son feel like a complete failure and my daughter become a perfectionist who, like me, is as critical on herself as I was.
Just who were we created to be anyway?
Well, when I look at that verse, I see something amazing. The answer is all right there! “So God created mankind in His own image.” What had God done in the chapters before He created us? He created. I can only come to the conclusion that we were born to create. But create what? When I looked up the definition of create, its synonym was build. So we were created to build – or to build up.
Then why are we so quick to tear down the ones we love most? Why do we not choose to create grace?
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Bob Dylan wrote the song You’re gonna have to serve somebody in 1979 when I was just 10 years old. I sang that song as my last performance at my church in Oklahoma City before moving my family to Tulsa. The song says it doesn’t matter who you are, rich or poor, old or young – you’ll either serve the devil, or you will serve the Lord.
If that is the truth, what choices do I have? In John 10:10 (NASB) it says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” So the choice I have is to build up or to tear down. For so long my actions were to unknowingly tear down the character of others, from my family to my friends to myself. I believe this is generally rooted in fear, and the opposite of fear is love. We were created to love.
Choose this day whom you will serve
Being who you were born to be is as simple as choosing to create life and not destroy it. To build up those in your life and those who cross your path instead of tearing down those people – especially yourself.
I’m not perfect by any means, but I know I’m better than I used to be. And it all started with an awareness of what I was creating around me. When I looked around my life and noticed that most of the people around me were being destroyed, it was a good day. Not because of the situation, but because you cannot heal or change what you don’t acknowledge. And you definitely cannot acknowledge what you don’t know. With that awareness, I could exercise my right to choose.
In The Journey Training, we see each class come in the door not knowing what to expect. Before the weekend is over, we see the creation in action! People loving each other without judgement. People building each other up! And it all begins with discovering what it feels like to be accepted unconditionally.
I’ve learned one thing thus far in life: if you want to see someone truly change, accept them unconditionally. When they feel that safety and acceptance, change is inevitable.
I watch people. Not the creepy kind of watching – just people watching. Lately, I’ve noticed how people react to and contribute to their surroundings. It is amazing to see this universal truth: Those who lead lives that are filled with drama, chaos, and turmoil seem to attract those very things. Those who lead lives filled with peace, love, and acceptance also attract those things. So what does this mean?
Sowing is a popular subject!
There are tons of books written on this subject. Just do a Google search for positive energy or sowing and you’ll see a huge list of speakers, books, and blogs. It’s a universal truth that what you sow will come back at you in spades! So think about it; where are you sowing your energy? How do you spend your time? What are you looking at on the internet, choosing for music, or choosing to read? Is it positive and uplifting or negative and full of darkness? Does it bring you momentary happiness that fades or does it fill your life with happiness that lasts? The truth is in your focus – what you choose to sow.
Reaping your own bullet
Once I fell into a depression. It lasted about a year and the cause was gossip. You see, I had spread gossip about someone which in turn hurt someone else. My personality didn’t allow grace for these kinds of mistakes, and this was a huge mistake! I had damaged a relationship between two people, and they weren’t even the subject of my gossip.
I was raised to believe that if you had gossip on someone, you had power over them. My mistake almost cost me my life. You see, at that time my children were the only thing that kept me from wishing I was gone. I was prescribed medication and started digging my way out of the darkness, but it eventually took a change of perspective and atmosphere as well. I’m sure you can relate – I couldn’t forgive myself. And I didn’t know what grace was, so I never even considered that God could forgive me. In fact, I really didn’t know God at the time so I really didn’t care…
For a while, I wallowed in it and couldn’t see a way out! And I sure couldn’t see how to find happiness. I was stuck; all I could see was the mistake. I surrounded myself with things, habits, and people that supported my view of myself. These things all confirmed my belief that I was worthless, nobody wanted me, and I wasn’t welcome. But these were LIES! The enemy wants you to believe that those lies are your reality. He is the author of deception, and he wants you to see no hope.
Grace is free – and frees others
Later, I met a man named Nick who taught me something. During his teaching on God’s grace, I sat in the back silently crying. I had never been taught that Jesus came to give grace and forgiveness. Deep down I knew that acceptance and salvation had nothing to do with rules, even though rules were what I’d been taught as a child. I was taught that to be loved, you had to be good; that salvation was hard and full of rules, and if you messed up you were no longer worthy of salvation!
What I learned is that the truth is that grace itself proves that we are all loved, and that we are all different by design! God made each of us unique – warts and all! Grace gives us permission to be who He meant us to be. Salvation isn’t about judgement, but about relationships! And grace gives us freedom!
Change first what you sow
So what does this mean? If you are struggling with your emotions, think back over the last couple of days. Have you sung praises to God, or wallowed in deep despair? Have you surrounded yourself with people and actions that lift you up or tear you down? Are you proud of how far you have come or still looking at how far you have to go?
My suggestion is to focus on the positive things, and on the positive people. Be proactive and bring the positive into your life! Be willing to do things that are out of character – go dance in the rain, find your inner child and do something you haven’t done in years – something that used to bring you joy! Start a gratitude journal. Find things to be thankful for every day. And then twice a day, and then every hour! You’ll begin to see the world differently – as God sees it! Take a step toward your dreams. It doesn’t matter how large or small. Take the time to sit and watch a sunrise, or take a friend to see God’s painting in the sky. Take the time to listen to the rain and notice its peace. Take the opportunity to watch God’s perfect timing. Give yourself Grace, forgive yourself; God already has! Know that God uses all things for good, and even your mess has a purpose; once you escape it, you’ll have a story of survival that will help others!
If you are surrounded with negativity, maybe a look in the mirror is required – a really good look! What energies are you sending out? How do you react to the small things? Are you proud of your accomplishments or a defeatist in the fact that you didn’t do more? Did you achieve your dreams or complain about how tired, sore, or time crunched you are? Do you have a mentality of scarcity or one of abundance? If you can’t see the positive in your life, ask someone who exhibits the positive traits you desire. And listen to what they have to say – really listen. Then, you’ll be a step closer to attaining the freedom you want!
Hundreds of people have found freedom through The Journey Training by letting themselves off the hook. Perhaps The Journey Training can help you begin a path of grace for yourself – and in turn set you on a course towards your dreams!
In 2013, I attended Shades of Hope, an addiction recovery center specializing in eating disorders. There were bulimics, alcoholics, anorexics, and then there was me. How did I end up here? The answer might surprise you: control.
A few years earlier, I was in Las Vegas speaking at the Lifestyle Intervention Conference. Tennie McCarty, the founder of Shades of Hope, was speaking. I was eager to hear her, as she had reached out to me about endorsing her book. I was interested in finding more out about this lady. I sat near the back row and opened my ears. What I found was that she spoke my language! Her methods of treating addiction were much like our methods in The Journey Training – she allows you to “experience” the words she is saying.
About two-thirds through her speech, she said it: “There is only one difference between an anorexic and a compulsive overeater, but other than that they share exactly the same traits. Control: one controls by restricting food and the other controls emotions by numbing with food. But it’s all about control.” This hit me like a ton of bricks as my mind wandered back 35 years when I was 16 and fed-up with my fat. I decided to eat nothing but salads and drink diet pop. In turn I became anorexic and lost 70 pounds that summer. I remembered my father saying, “You’re anorexic! Stop losing weight!” I had forgotten until that moment.
I had also forgotten about being 150 pounds at 5’11” tall and my large build, looking in the mirror and thinking, “Just a little more.” I still thought I was fat, and I was going to control this thing until I was satisfied. Looking back over my life, there’s only been a few times I’ve been satisfied with my weight, and it only lasted a few weeks. I’d soon return to my dismay, making my plans of how I’d control it.
Addicts are control freaks
Yup, you heard me right! One of the first things Tennie said was, “Your addiction is about control. We are control freaks, and it might seem strange, but you’ve got to give up control to gain recovery.”
I didn’t get it at the time, and the reason I am writing this is I had a revelation of what she was saying. Life is giving; it will give you freedom and time to figure it out. When you “fail” a life test, God always will allow you to return and re-take the test, giving you the opportunity to learn a lesson you need to learn. You might think how could a loving God let you go through pain and risk instead of giving you specific direction to change your life? The revelation I had is it’s all about control – my control – that I have to be willing to surrender in order to gain the freedom God wants for me.
Everyone controls
When I was young, my parents often gave me advice and instruction. I often thought they were just trying to control me. This is why I can now sympathize with my kids David and Mary Claire when they say, “I know, I know! You don’t have to tell me!” Inevitably, they will test my theory and learn a lesson. I hope that someday they’ll understand that anything I tell them is intended for their good, and not about my control over their lives.
Unfortunately, that lesson they learn often comes with a little pain. That’s the “experience” I was talking about in the beginning of this blog. You can be told the stove is hot, but until you experience it you don’t truly believe it. I can describe feeling a cool breeze on your face on a hot day, but until you feel it yourself it’s only words – knowledge in your head. But once you feel it, it makes the journey from your head to your heart and becomes a belief. Someday my kids will believe that I have their best interests at heart. It just may take a while.
Prayer and control
That’s the revelation I had: that my prayers are actually my willingness to let go of control for my life, and asking God for His plans! It’s a belief that God has my best interests at heart. If I listen for His plans and am willing to forego my own, I’ll be a whole lot better off. For years I’ve been the “prodigal son”, not quite believing Him – trying to control my own life and addiction.
“It’s just a choice” is what I often hear from people, and I respond with, “No, it’s an addiction – a disease.” Well, they were right in one sense: that giving up control is a choice. It’s the first steps in the 12-step program! I can’t, God can, ask God. That’s prayer. Asking God to reveal your next step, and being willing to release control to Him (Proverbs 16:9). All these years with God, I’ve been my kids – “I know, I know! You don’t have to tell me!” Well, things are about to change!
The first 3 steps of AA:
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or food, drugs, sex, etc.)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
