The pressure to be a ‘good’ mom is huge! We feel pressure from our kids, our husbands, our parents, other moms and dads, and MOST of all, ourselves.
I find it interesting that one of the first questions people ask when meeting someone is, “What do you do for a living.” For a mom, no matter your answer, the feeling of judgment often follows. Not that judgment always DOES follow, we just FEEL that it does. It feels like your answer will reveal whether you are a ‘good’ mom or not.
If you respond with, “I am a stay at home mom” or something similar, to someone that is not a stay at home mom, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, so you don’t have a job?”
“What exactly do you do all day?:
“I’d get so bored if I stayed home all day.”
“Don’t you want to do something with your life?”
“You must have so much free time!”
“What are you going to do when all your kids are in school?”
“I would love to not have to work, you are so lucky!”
“Don’t you want to contribute something to your household?”
There are some that make judgments but most of the time, these statements are made simply because they do not know what it is like to be a stay at home mom. On the other hand, moms that work outside of the home get the same kind of pressure. When a mom answers the same question with a description of her paying job, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, you can’t afford for you to stay home?”
“Are you worried about how your children are being treated in child care?”
“I would hate having someone else raising my kids.”
“At least you have nighttime to be a good mom.”
“Maybe if you were home more your child wouldn’t act out.”
“I’ll pray that you get to stay home with your kids soon!”
“If you can afford to stay home, then why do you go to work?”
“Do your kids ever feel abandoned?”
It’s easy to say, “Just ignore them, they don’t understand!” but it is much more difficult to actually do that! As I started thinking of how to spread the word that we are all good moms, I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other adults think or say. Everyone has a different ‘recipe’ for how to be a good mom and the only opinions that really matter…..are our kids….
I am writing this on a charter bus…on an 11-hour trip home from a percussion competition with my son and about 30 other high school percussion kids. I thought, maybe we need to hear their perspective of their own stay at home or working outside of the home moms…..here is what they said (with no alterations….they say “stuff” a lot)
Stay at home moms:
“I respect that she made the sacrifice to stay home with us kids and not work outside the home.”
“I enjoy her being around a lot.”
“She always tends to her kids before she tends to herself. It makes me feel important”
“I respect that she stays at home even though she would like to work, because she wants the best for us and loves us and stuff.”
“Just because she is home doesn’t mean she is not working. She is always working and doing stuff. She never stops.”
“She can always come to my band or sport stuff. It’s ok if she is busy with stuff or my brothers or sisters, but I like that staying home means she can do that.”
“I like that she is always there when I get home from school and I get to talk to her.”
“Since she is at home, I get to spend more time with her.”
“I like that she is not stressed about working and stuff.”
“I’ve never seen someone work as hard as my mom…and she doesn’t even get paid”
Working outside of the home moms:
“It’s great that she is independent and she can do what she wants.”
“I have never wished she stayed at home, it is a role model kind of thing.”
“I appreciate her attitude about the fact that she likes to work.”
“My mom has friends through work….I think it’s great! …do stay at home moms have friends?” (I laughed so hard at this one I almost wet my pants)
“She uses her work money to give me gas money…I appreciate that!!”
“I think it’s good that she can get outside of the house.”
“As a kid, you don’t think of the difference. I don’t think, I wish she stayed home”.
“She really likes her job a lot and it makes her happy which makes me happy.”
“She provides so it helps pay bills and pay for college, which I appreciate a lot.”
“She does what she loves and still makes time for me and my family. I get to see her every day.”
“I get to share her love of music with her, it is her job, and we talk about it every day after school.”
“I know we will always have insurance…she works in insurance.”
“She is willing to get another job and stuff in order for us to have what we need.”
“I respect that she is a hard worker.”
I did not get any negative comments from these kids at all! They all think their moms are the best…because they are the best mom for the kids that God gave them!
CHALLENGE
What would your kids say about you? If you don’t know the answer to this question……ASK THEM! You don’t have to limit this to whether you work inside or outside the home, ask them what they appreciate about you, what they want more of from you, and what they want less of from you! Don’t be afraid of their answers. Some may be hard to hear, but how do you know unless ask?
The bottom line is, we are all ‘working’ moms. We are working to raise our children and make sure they know we love them! Don’t ask yourself if you are being a good mom….ask your kids!
https://youtu.be/Me9yrREXOj4
When I was writing my book Lose Your Quit in 2011, I noticed something: that every experience I had on The Biggest Loser built on an experience before to create something completely different. I also noticed that these experiences were similar to experiences I had previously in my life. This time they were magnified by television and also, I believe I was better equipped to deal with them – maybe because I had visited them before.
Life is Fractal
Fractal Geometry is an amazing thing. When I first heard of it, I didn’t quite know what it was. Simply, it is a recurring pattern found in mathematics that is also found in nature. Wikipedia puts it like this: “A fractal is a natural phenomenon or a mathematical set that exhibits a repeating pattern that displays at every scale. It is also known as expanding symmetry or evolving symmetry. If the replication is exactly the same at every scale, it is called a self-similar pattern.”
I believe that life is built on fractal and self-similar patterns. I’ve heard that “history repeats itself,” which I believe is not only a natural thing, but it is a God created thing. First, let me explain Fractal Geometry in nature. If you look at a tree, there is a correlation between the distances between the branches on the trunk, and the twigs on the branches. That same mathematical pattern is reproduced in the veins on the leaves. It is also seen in everything from snowflakes, pine cones, and even in the meanders of a river. I believe it I also found in our lives.
I relate these situations in my life. The first home I can remember was a house in Del City, Oklahoma. I was four years old when we lived there. I shared a room with my two sisters, and my grandma lived with us. That house was HUGE! When I got married, I bought the house for Darci and I to live in. Let me tell you – that house is SMALL! 700 square feet to be exact! Two bedrooms, a living room, 1 bathroom and a small kitchen. It had no laundry room and a detached garage. Why did it seem so big as a kid, and so small as an adult?
Experience Shrinks Things (or does it?)
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I want to poke whoever wrote that in the eye! When we were kids, a simple, “What’s wrong with you?” can cut to the core. Maybe you thought, “there must be something wrong with me if they’re asking” or “there’s all kinds of things wrong with me.” When someone says that now, it has less impact on me, or at least I’d like to think it does.
In life, we experience similar pain at different points of my life. When we were asked what was wrong with us as a child, that can be repeated with “why did you do that?” or “that’s not what I would have done.” We even begin to ask ourselves that question: What is wrong with me?
When someone hurt me as a child, it made me feel a certain way. Since then, I have experienced other hurts that produced a similar feeling, and my actions and thoughts go back to that point when I was a child – along with the feelings. It makes me subconsciously relive that old hurt, and in turn I feel I am no further down the road in my life. In fact, I am much further along, and that self-similar pattern creates an opportunity for me. I can revert back to that child and react in a childish way, or I can use my experiences and deal with the situation in a different, healthier way – like I did on The Biggest Loser.
Respond, don’t React
When I was on the Black Team on the show, I found myself alone. My team had an alliance, and I wasn’t a part of that. To make a long story short, my team threw a weigh-in with the goal of self-preservation, and when they lost they planned to vote me home. And to top things off, Jillian Michaels – my coach – knew about this and coached them through it! I felt betrayed, and it took me back to the child that felt like I didn’t matter when all everyone talked about was his older sisters and how great they were. Every year, the teacher usually said, “You’ve got quite a name to live up to!” And guess what – I spent my entire life trying to live up to expectations that I had put on myself – that I could never achieve no matter what I would accomplish.
Each time I “revisit” an event that takes me back, I tend to react just like that child. I throw a temper tantrum, cry, feel hopeless, and if it makes me angry, I rage! I feel that these recurring events in our life – that are fractal in nature – are opportunities. They are opportunities for us to choose a different, more productive path for ourselves than we did in the past.
When I was betrayed on The Biggest Loser, I raged at first. Then I collected myself and remembered what my rage brought me in my past. I went back to when those events seemed much larger in my life. I wanted a different outcome this time! So I weighed my opportunities. I could punch Jillian out, or perhaps my teammates. OUTCOME: Jail. I could quit the show and give up. OUTCOME: Opportunity Loss.
I chose different. If I was the Biggest Loser of the week (lost the most percentage of weight), I was immune and they couldn’t vote me off. I chose to respond rather than react by kicking it into high gear and lapping everyone! OUTCOME: Record Holder for 7-weeks in a row double digit weight loss, and the Biggest Loser ever among the men of the show, and let’s not forget $250,000 and the title of The Biggest Loser! I’LL TAKE IT!
It’s the beginning of the year, and most people are eyeing new goals – or the ones they never got around to finishing last year. For me it’s different this year. I’m addressing one I created a need for in 2015. I gained 30 pounds.
It’s been a tough year
This year in October, the cast of Season 8 of The Biggest Loser met at the National Institute of Health (NIH) in Bethesda, MD. We were excited to hug each other and talk over memories, but we were called there for a reason. During the trip, I learned some important things. We all have struggled with our weight after the show – some more than others – but everyone has struggled.
We went to NIH to get our metabolism tested again. You see, during my season on The Biggest Loser, the government tested our metabolisms before we began, in the middle of the process, at the final weigh-in, and 2 years after the show. They found that our metabolisms slowed despite retaining most of our muscle mass. They had speculated that if we kept the muscle, our metabolisms wouldn’t slow as much. They were wrong.
After the show, my resting metabolic rate (RMR) was 1500. Two years later it was 1650, and now it is 1800. When I began it was over 3000! They expected it to slow, but 6-years after I am at 79% of a normal man’s RMR, which puts me behind the 8-ball! Your RMR is the amount of calories you burn resting – doing nothing – and I’m at a 450 calorie disadvantage. They suspect it is because of our rapid weight loss paired with our rapid energy expenditure. I burned about 8000 calories per day while only eating about 15% as much. Our RMR’s haven’t bounced back like they thought it would. Our bodies have changed – despite packing on some additional muscle and our weight increasing.
All of that said, I gained 30 pounds this year, and I cannot become a victim to my circumstance! So what do I do now? I set a goal.
Success begins with a goal
When you set a goal, it should be attainable with real measuring points to hit along the way, whether the goal is financial, physical, spiritual, or relational.
First, you should come up with a precise goal statement. It should contain what you want in measurable form, a time frame in achieving it, and it must be realistic. To simply say “I want to lose weight” isn’t enough. We want to be specific.
Here are my goals for 2016
- I want to lose 30 pounds in 3 months. I have an amount to lose, a time frame to achieve it, and it is achievable.
- For financial, you might say I want to pay off $5,000 in credit card debt in 2016. It is measured in amount and time, and that could be done.
- Maybe I want to spend 15 minutes a day reading the bible in 2016. Yes! If I’d said 1 hour a day, I’d ask if it were realistic to spend over 6% of my waking hours reading. I’d say no – but less than 2%? Okay!
Write your goal statement and put it everywhere – on your refrigerator, mirror, desk, phone – everywhere!
Taking steps
Next you should set 3 goal action steps. Getting started begins with taking steps. Make them specific. Not “work out 1 hour every day.” 7-days a week is too high, setting you up to fail.
My action steps look like this:
1. I will eat lunch in the office four days a week.
2. I will work out three times a week in the gym, including an additional two hours of cardio.
3. I will weigh-in once per week and measure my achievements. Those three steps I can handle!
Each step, you may need to break down even further. If your first step is join a gym, you might break that down to
1. Visit three gyms this week
2. Choose one and sign up
3. Set up an auto-draft payment.
So, create your specific and measurable goal statement for 2016, and create 3 attainable action steps to get you moving. Now you just have to start moving – step by step! And if you need help, reach out to me! I have an online coaching group that can help you set and achieve your 2016 goals! You can email me at danny@thedannycahill.com.
I see it every January. People set New Year’s resolutions, only to watch them go down in flames a few weeks later. It’s not January yet, but have you ever set a goal or had a desire that just kept getting sabotaged over and over again? I have! And in the end, we blame everything but ourselves, going victim to the things around us and taking little to no responsibility.
What if I were to tell you that it is most likely you that is responsible for sabotaging your dreams and goals. Yes, you! Not the lack of time, or any other excuse you can muster up! If you want it, there it is – GO AND GET IT! If it were only that simple, right?
Your agenda is all about your true intention
Intentions are just that – something you plan on doing – which means you probably aren’t doing much about it right now. If I told you I intended to write a word beginning with the letter “Z”, would you say it is my true intention? Well, you couldn’t yet. I haven’t written one! But when I tell you that a Zebra has stripes, then you know for sure. Yes, it was my true intention to write a word beginning with the letter “Z”, and I just proved it. People say they are going to do thing, but so many times nothing gets done. Why is that?
I believe it is because many times we want something, but it is not our true intention to have it. There is something in the way. We’ve all noticed it and said, “Why do I keep eating badly when I just want to lose weight?” Or it might be, “Why do I keep charging things on my card when I want to be debt free?”
Our agendas are made up of priorities
When we see someone achieve the goal they set out to achieve, we might ask, “How did you stay on track?”
When I lost 239 pounds in 6 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days, no one could believe it! The world was shocked when I burst through that paper. But I wasn’t! It was my true intention. Were there things that popped up and got in the way? Yes! But I stayed on track, and to this day Darci says it was the most amazing thing she has ever seen. Because I got rid of my hidden agendas. And losing as much weight as I could became the very top tier on my priority list! When I was faced with a decision, it was easy because I knew what I really wanted.
It’s our hidden agenda that keeps us in failure
If you state a goal or desire, but it just never seems to happen, it may be because you have a hidden agenda. Let’s say I am committed to losing 4 pounds this week, but I have a lunch date every day at places that have my favorite fried foods! I will either re-schedule those lunches or change the locations, or I will most probably not lose 4 pounds this week. And if I am more committed to eating those fried foods than I am to losing 4 pounds, the goal is crushed. You see, I wanted to eat those lunches more than I wanted success. And I think we all should find these hidden agendas and challenge them so we find the success we want and deserve!
When you state a goal or desire, there will be other things you are committed to that will challenge your every decision, so you have to challenge those hidden agendas and win. In the above example, challenging them consisted of a decision to change the locations or re-schedule the lunches. Getting rid of the secondary agenda that might sabotage the first one is key. Here is a real-life example that happened last week.
A friend asked to have breakfast with me, so we met at the bagel shop. I got my coffee and banana, skipping the bagel of course because I have goals to keep! We sat down and he told me the doctors said if he doesn’t lost weight, as early as two years from now he would probably lose his leg from complications of diabetes. They were presenting him with the option of surgery, and he wanted to ask my opinion. Here is what I told him: “You have got to make your decisions ahead of time, before you are faced with a temptation. You need to get on a plan and stick to it! Don’t put it off, pre-prepare your meals on Sunday for your lunches! I grill chicken, have my meals prepared, and take them to work so my decisions are already made for me. It’s the only way you will succeed without surgery.”
He answered with, “Danny, here’s the thing. I can’t eat left-overs. I don’t know what it is, but I hate them! I only like fresh food.”
My reply was, “Well, you have to choose between losing your leg, having a dangerous surgery that doesn’t solve the problem in the end, or eating left-overs. The choice is yours, but if you say you will lose weight and bring that hidden agenda along, you might as well go ahead and buy your wheelchair.”
I don’t know what he has decided to do, but I sincerely hope he can battle the hidden agenda of not eating left-overs and make it his true intention to lose the weight and save his life.
Each month, some of the hidden agendas or, as my old friend Brian Klemmer called them – competing commitments – that people walk into The Journey Training with become uncovered, challenged, and overcome! We’ve seen great goals and dreams be achieved, but the first step was identifying what it was that was keeping them from what they truly wanted. When you identify those hidden agendas that are there, the true intention becomes a little clearer; and the path to what you really want seems to be straightened out into a shorter distance!
One thing I have found is true in my own life is Newton’s first law of motion which simply says “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” Let’s look at that law in some detail and Get it in Gear!
If your gear is stop, you remain stuck
If a bullet is in a gun, it is not in motion. In order for the bullet to begin to move, it needs to be put in gear. How does this happen? Well, it takes an unbalanced force, or a force that is greater than its current stuck situation to act against it. For a bullet, it’s gunpowder. Also, someone has to cock the hammer and pull the trigger, which is the most important part of the equation!
Many of us have a great deal of unbalanced force within us. The positive force is called potential. The gear we are in at the moment is a direct result of our choices; to change that gear, we have to decide we want change more than staying the same. If you don’t make the decision to pull the trigger, you will stay stuck. It’s when you pull the trigger that change begins.
High gear, low gear, granny gear – just choose a gear and begin!
In order for what you want to change, it’s going to take a decision. I call that granny gear. You begin to move and it is powerful, but usually at a fixed speed and not very fast – which is still okay! Remember the law? Once you begin, you will stay in motion – that is unless acted on by an unbalanced force. Believe me, once you make the decision, there will be many unbalanced forces that will come against you!
It seems when you start a diet, all of the sudden birthdays happen where there is cake and ice cream, the office decides to go to eat pizza, and you begin to see every drive-through that you pass! It never fails. It’s like the world shifts against you. If you decide to pay off debt, things suddenly break down! When you decide to start your business, there will automatically be nay-sayers who will bring a thousand reasons why you can’t! Because of this, you need a plan – goal statements and action steps to create the new reality you want.
Shift it into low gear
A plan consists of a long range goal and a series of short term goals to keep you on your path during your season of change. A long range goal might be to lose 30 pounds in 6-months, and action steps might be to join a boot camp and begin working out, to begin a meal plan and start eating healthy, and to increase my water intake. That’s a great long-term goal and action steps! Now, those action steps are shorter range goals that show you what to do now – tomorrow – next week?
Join a boot camp might have action steps like make a list of 10 boot camps in my area, call them and ask for a trial session, visit all 10 boot camps in the next 30 days. That takes the guesswork out and you now have a path. The same should be done with begin a meal plan and increase my water intake. The more you plan, the more you will thwart the unbalanced forces against what you desire – and increase the speed of your gear!
Kick it into high gear!
The third step in creating the change you want is to thwart as many of those unbalanced forces against you that you can. A key to this is your support network. People will come against you, including yourself at times. There will be nay-sayers, not who challenge your methods, but those who discount every one of them. I like challengers because they give me different perspectives as to what I might face or better ways to do things. When you think that your way is always best, you lose out on options. The nay-sayers I’m talking about are those who constantly tell you things aren’t possible.
There are also people who do not want you to change. Their co-dependency create fears that your change will separate you from them. And it very well might! If someone I know only eats out, I’ll probably not be eating with them much. You can’t let others’ decisions to stay stuck keep you stuck.
You need to surround yourself with people who want you to succeed. I have a coaching group online called SLI Society that has about 10 people in the group. The successes are incredible, because we lean on each other and hear the can do’s a lot more than the can’t do’s. It is imperative that to kick it into high gear, you find a support group to lean on, keep you accountable and keep you on track during your season of change. Their unbalanced force in the positive aspect will help thwart those unbalanced forces in the negative aspect and keep you moving forward with increasing momentum!
Gear up for change
Each month in The Journey Training, people find positive support groups, learn to set goals, and most importantly of all, find the decision to pull the trigger and begin the momentum of the change they desire! They also get a group of supporting people on a private page to give them the positive power they need. Most of all, they see the potential that they possess inside to make their dreams come true!
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