The pressure to be a ‘good’ mom is huge! We feel pressure from our kids, our husbands, our parents, other moms and dads, and MOST of all, ourselves.
I find it interesting that one of the first questions people ask when meeting someone is, “What do you do for a living.” For a mom, no matter your answer, the feeling of judgment often follows. Not that judgment always DOES follow, we just FEEL that it does. It feels like your answer will reveal whether you are a ‘good’ mom or not.
If you respond with, “I am a stay at home mom” or something similar, to someone that is not a stay at home mom, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, so you don’t have a job?”
“What exactly do you do all day?:
“I’d get so bored if I stayed home all day.”
“Don’t you want to do something with your life?”
“You must have so much free time!”
“What are you going to do when all your kids are in school?”
“I would love to not have to work, you are so lucky!”
“Don’t you want to contribute something to your household?”
There are some that make judgments but most of the time, these statements are made simply because they do not know what it is like to be a stay at home mom. On the other hand, moms that work outside of the home get the same kind of pressure. When a mom answers the same question with a description of her paying job, some of the ‘not so great’ responses I have heard are:
“Oh, you can’t afford for you to stay home?”
“Are you worried about how your children are being treated in child care?”
“I would hate having someone else raising my kids.”
“At least you have nighttime to be a good mom.”
“Maybe if you were home more your child wouldn’t act out.”
“I’ll pray that you get to stay home with your kids soon!”
“If you can afford to stay home, then why do you go to work?”
“Do your kids ever feel abandoned?”
It’s easy to say, “Just ignore them, they don’t understand!” but it is much more difficult to actually do that! As I started thinking of how to spread the word that we are all good moms, I realized that it doesn’t really matter what other adults think or say. Everyone has a different ‘recipe’ for how to be a good mom and the only opinions that really matter…..are our kids….
I am writing this on a charter bus…on an 11-hour trip home from a percussion competition with my son and about 30 other high school percussion kids. I thought, maybe we need to hear their perspective of their own stay at home or working outside of the home moms…..here is what they said (with no alterations….they say “stuff” a lot)
Stay at home moms:
“I respect that she made the sacrifice to stay home with us kids and not work outside the home.”
“I enjoy her being around a lot.”
“She always tends to her kids before she tends to herself. It makes me feel important”
“I respect that she stays at home even though she would like to work, because she wants the best for us and loves us and stuff.”
“Just because she is home doesn’t mean she is not working. She is always working and doing stuff. She never stops.”
“She can always come to my band or sport stuff. It’s ok if she is busy with stuff or my brothers or sisters, but I like that staying home means she can do that.”
“I like that she is always there when I get home from school and I get to talk to her.”
“Since she is at home, I get to spend more time with her.”
“I like that she is not stressed about working and stuff.”
“I’ve never seen someone work as hard as my mom…and she doesn’t even get paid”
Working outside of the home moms:
“It’s great that she is independent and she can do what she wants.”
“I have never wished she stayed at home, it is a role model kind of thing.”
“I appreciate her attitude about the fact that she likes to work.”
“My mom has friends through work….I think it’s great! …do stay at home moms have friends?” (I laughed so hard at this one I almost wet my pants)
“She uses her work money to give me gas money…I appreciate that!!”
“I think it’s good that she can get outside of the house.”
“As a kid, you don’t think of the difference. I don’t think, I wish she stayed home”.
“She really likes her job a lot and it makes her happy which makes me happy.”
“She provides so it helps pay bills and pay for college, which I appreciate a lot.”
“She does what she loves and still makes time for me and my family. I get to see her every day.”
“I get to share her love of music with her, it is her job, and we talk about it every day after school.”
“I know we will always have insurance…she works in insurance.”
“She is willing to get another job and stuff in order for us to have what we need.”
“I respect that she is a hard worker.”
I did not get any negative comments from these kids at all! They all think their moms are the best…because they are the best mom for the kids that God gave them!
CHALLENGE
What would your kids say about you? If you don’t know the answer to this question……ASK THEM! You don’t have to limit this to whether you work inside or outside the home, ask them what they appreciate about you, what they want more of from you, and what they want less of from you! Don’t be afraid of their answers. Some may be hard to hear, but how do you know unless ask?
The bottom line is, we are all ‘working’ moms. We are working to raise our children and make sure they know we love them! Don’t ask yourself if you are being a good mom….ask your kids!
https://youtu.be/Me9yrREXOj4
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When I was a little girl, I would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all the time. They were my absolute favorite meal in the whole wide world. Part of why I loved them was because of how my mom prepared them: she would always carve a little heart in the peanut butter before adding the jelly. Food of Love!
I knew that heart was there whether I watched her make my sandwich or not. I could taste it. It was made with love.
As I grew old enough to make my own pb & j’s, I continued the loving tradition: spread the peanut butter, make a heart, add the jelly, SQUISH!
Even as a teenager, when I craved the comfort of my old favorite, I would draw a little heart and feel better about myself. I was loved.
I remember the first time I made a sandwich without a heart. I was 21 years old, in my first apartment and my roommate came into the kitchen as I was preparing my late night study snack. He watched as I spread the peanut butter and as I was about to carve out a little heart from the creamy spread, I hesitated and decided it was a childish habit. I simply dropped the jelly on top of the peanut butter and topped it off with another slice of bread. I ate it a little sadly, thinking it didn’t taste quite right.
Fast forward to a few years later, when I was making my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich on gluten free bread. I was anxious, because I knew the bread would be so different from what I was used to. I had been diagnosed with Celiac disease and had to cut out wheat in all its forms to heal my body. As much as I was tired of being sick, I didn’t want to miss out on my favorite foods.
I spread the peanut butter, telling my husband how sad I was about how it wouldn’t be the same as I remembered. With a rush of emotion, I spilled out all about how much I missed the way my mom would draw a heart whenever she made it for me. I slid down against the cabinet, crying. He sat down next to me, with my half made sandwich, and said, “Go on, draw your heart.”
The Food of Love ….how simple. A tiny act managed to turn my day around.
In the years between those two sandwiches, I had struggled with depression, feeling lost, alone, and, most of all, unloved. Now, I’m sure that not drawing a heart in my peanut butter was a symptom of feeling unloved and not the other way around, however that simple act was able to remind me that I was in fact loved. By the man sitting beside me, by myself, and my amazing Creator. He did after all make the peanuts.
As I made myself a sandwich this week, I made a pledge to myself: I will ALWAYS draw that heart in my peanut butter, because I AM LOVED.
Whether I feel it or not.
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I’ve found that investment always produces return. Sometimes it’s not what we expect, but the law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, but changes form or is transferred. I know that the amount of investment I put into something is directly proportionate as to what return I get. The trick is to take the time to invest!
What to invest
Well, most would say, “I have no money to invest, so that leaves me out.” Really? What about time? What about effort? What about knowledge? There are so many things you can invest that you are left out only if you choose to be left out.
My college music professor once asked me, “Danny, how often do you practice?” My reply went something like, “Well, these days I usually don’t practice much because I’m playing all the time.” Then he said it – “Remember something Danny. There’s someone out there with half your talent that will go twice as far because they take the time to practice.” That piece of advice has stuck with me my entire life!
Being “salty” takes investment
Being a musician, I can say that the better I know a song, the better I can make it sound. Last Sunday I was hired to play a service. A few of the songs I knew really well, and then there were 3 pieces I’d never heard before. I can sight-read music, so I could play it. But I couldn’t add much “salt” to it. This means I had to keep it simple and basic so I hit correct notes instead of doing funky licks and runs – which can make an average song really stand out!
The more I practice a song, the better I know it. The better I know it, the less I have to think about it. The less I have to think about it, the more I can think about what cool things to do to make it something really special! But if I don’t spend any time practices and getting to know the music, I’m just being average, or even below average!
What to invest in
I use music as an example, but what about your job. The better you know your job, the less mistakes you’ll let slip by. You’ll be able to spend your time polishing your work instead of just trying to figure it out. This is why continuing education and hands-on experience means so much.
What about relationships? Would you say the better you know your spouse or your kids, the easier it is to be the best you can be to them? Spending time learning the love languages of those around us can pay huge dividends! I mean, if I’m always buying my children gifts when what they really need are words of affirmation, I’m getting a diminished return on my investment! They’ll love the gifts, but they’ll really love the encouragement! Taking the time asking them, “How can I love and support you” can be a simple way to learn someone’s needs – and save time trying to figure it out.
And especially, in my walk with Jesus Christ, the more I know the heart of the Father, the better I can see what he’s trying to do in my life. Instead of wondering why I’m going through the things I am going through, I try to get in the word and see what God might be trying to teach me in this moment! I know one thing, my Father’s heart is for my good, not for my demise (Jeremiah 29:11) and He wants to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). I think for too long I’ve been praying for God to change His mind about what I want when prayer wasn’t meant for that. If my prayer is constantly trying to change His mind, I am wasting my time! God never changes. But what does? Our hearts can change.
My prayers lately have been to help me align my thoughts and desires with what God desires for me. When I come around to His way of thinking, I’ll have the peace and contentment I am looking for. So instead of “wrestling” with God, I think I’ll invest my time to get to know His heart more. I’m going to end this blog now so I can read some of His word. Happy investing all!
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Perspective: “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.”
Almost two years ago, Lisa and I made the decision to move to Nashville Tennessee so that I could continue to grow a consulting firm located there and stop traveling so often from Dallas. We ended up choosing a new home that was under construction and we were able to still make most of the final design choices. It’s a beautiful home with most of things we have always wanted, including genuine hard wood floors.
If you’ve had real hard wood floors, you know they take some work to keep them looking nice. Last weekend I had the opportunity to clean and mop all of the wood. As I was working I became focused on the scratches that Duke, our 2 year old – 90 pound black lab, has created. There are lots of scratches and some are very deep. I began to get very angry about what he has done to our beautiful new floors. I also got mad at the builder for not doing a better job or using more durable materials. Let’s just say that I really started to scrub the floor! Can you relate to this story?
REMEMBERING WHY!
Suddenly, I was overcome with a new feeling and thoughts that stopped me and moved me to tears. I believe I was overcome by the Holy Spirit, and God was using this moment to show me a new perspective. In that moment, I really looked at the scratches and was reminded of the reason we got Duke in the first place.
Almost three years ago, we lost Boomer, our faithful friend of 14 years. Boomer was a 14 year old chocolate lab and he had been our daughter’s best friend since she was four years old. Amanda loved him more than anything and she was heartbroken and somewhat lost without him. It had been about 8 months and Amanda desperately wanted a new puppy as we were about to make the move to Nashville. Lisa and I wanted to wait, but we knew that we had to help Amanda through this transition. We found Duke when he has 9 weeks old and he moved to Nashville with us.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE
In that moment, I was able to look at those scratches from a whole new perspective. It’s not the builder’s fault that we have scratches in our floors. It wasn’t a stupid or bad choice that we made to get Duke as a puppy and move with him into a brand new house.
It was the RIGHT CHOICE made for the RIGHT REASONS! We chose him because our daughter needed him. And because we love our daughter more than anything on this earth – more than those bona fide hard wood floors. Duke is a part of our family because we made a choice based in love!
The scratches aren’t bad. The scratches are BEAUTIFUL! They are reminders of the love we have for our daughter and the love we share in our home.
1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Since the cleaning, I see Duke and the things he does differently now. Does this mean that he will never make me mad again? No, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, I’m not perfect and he is still a puppy whose body is way bigger than he realizes. I’m sure he’s going to damage something else in his lifetime.
But I do realize that I get to choose how I see him and remember why I love him. I can choose to stop focusing on the negative things, like the scratches. I can choose a different perspective before anger, guilt, shame or fear ruin a good and beautiful thing. That’s what I can control – my perspective.
What about you? Is there something in your life that you might need to see from a different perspective? In The Journey Training, we give you the opportunity to do just that. Come join us for the next class, Threshold.
A NEW DEFINITION
Perspective: “a simple word that can change everything.”
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I went to a get-together last night that made me start thinking. The question was asked, “What is worship to you?” As I sat and listened to the different responses, one part of everyone’s answer that was in common: a connection with God.
Many were there, and while we all had that common thread we all also had our own personal experiences and ways that we worship. I was so inspired by many that I almost felt my answer was inadequate. Instead of beating myself up I asked myself, “What can I do to make it more meaningful and to build my relationship with Christ to be even stronger?” That’s how I went to bed.
When I woke up the next morning for the strangest reason I was thinking about funny tech-support stories.
So, I got up and Googled it. I remembered the stories where they asked the customer, “Do you have the power on?” And when the power doesn’t come on the all-important question becomes, “Is it plugged in?” I started putting my questions to myself the night before into these tech-support scenarios. Is the power on? Better yet, am I plugged in?
Let me see; I do my daily devotions, although I allow life to get in my way more than I should. What about my prayer life? How often do I actually talk to God? I do, but not as often as I should. I usually pray after I read my daily devotional – for a good day, to keep my family safe, for new and present clients, for friends and other requests. I pray with my kids each night before bed & sometimes before we eat. When I see a prayer request on FB, I always say a little prayer right then because if I don’t I’ll probably forget. And, as most people, I pray when life gets tough. I guess in my own trouble-shooting, I guess my power is on.
But am I really plugged in? It doesn’t matter how many times you push the power button if it isn’t even plugged in. It’s more than going through the motions of going to church, daily devotions, and saying routine prayers. If I’m really plugged in I have a constant connection with God. I know He’s always there for me, but how often do I break that connection? A common occurrence for many. I often think, “I can do it myself” or “I’m too embarrassed or ashamed” (as if He doesn’t already know). Or “It’s too small to ask God for help” or even “this doesn’t really matter.”
Get out of your own way
I watched a comedian, who referred to a tech call where eventually the customer was asked if there was a child that lived in the house. There happened to be a 9 year old girl, and within a few minutes the problem was solved. The problem that the adult mind couldn’t get it done. Hmmmm, a child. In Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Then it hit me. I need to come to Jesus as a child. I may have the power on by going to church, performing praise and worship, or participating in drama ministry – all of which are very important, but if I’m not plugged in and have that connection with Jesus, my relationship with Him doesn’t grow.
How am I approaching these things? Sometimes I wonder if Jesus possibly has a double meaning. Of course He is welcoming children, but maybe He was also telling us to come to Him like a child. We are like children – little two year olds that are full of independence and insist on trying it themselves – until we reach for our parents.
Remember the embarrassing secret story your parents actually already knew, and they hugged you to help you feel better. And remember that balloon you took to daddy to fix after it had popped? Dad just smiles because it’s such a precious little question, and then he gets you another balloon. Then he beams as you run off telling everyone how your daddy can fix anything! Just like our parents, God steps back and allows us to try to do it on our own. Then He welcomes us with open arms when we finally give it to Him. He embraces us in those embarrassing moments and lets us rest in the peace of knowing He is a forgiving God, full of grace for His children. In His arms there is no need to be ashamed. And, He smiles at us when we come to Him with our own “broken balloons.” Nothing is too small to take to Him. And how He must feel when we share with others that He can fix anything – even though it might not be how we envisioned He’d fix it.
Know His heart – and connect
Our relationship with Him isn’t meant to be complicated. It is as simple as a Daddy/child relationship. I see through my trouble shooting that the key to moving into a deeper relationship with Christ is to first make sure I’m plugged in and the power is on. Then I must go to my Heavenly Father as a little child to their daddy. I must stop breaking our connection. I must remember that I don’t have to do any of it by myself – I can rest peacefully in His arms no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I am, knowing He will forgive me and that He loves me. And that nothing is too small – or too big – for God to take care of.
The next time find yourself doubting, in fear, or in pain, first you should try some simple tech-support questions. I think you’ll find that He has every answer you need.
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