Stories and the Reasons Unseen

Stories and the Reasons Unseen

I recently watched the Netflix Original Documentary Making a Murder  and found myself frustrated and angry. While watching, I’d begin talking to the television, leaving my kids thinking I’d gone crazy. The height of their wonderings came to a peak when I threw the channel changer across the room while yelling, “What is wrong with them! Can’t anyone see it’s a set-up?!

MakingMurderer

We connect the dots

We often make up stories with limited information. I often find myself completing sentences of others in my own head before they finish. And often, I find out I’m wrong. Sometimes I make up the ending of a story just as it begins, and my actions usually reflect that made up ending in my head!

One example can be seen in my early years of marriage. Darci and I were struggling financially, and I was focusing on lowering the bills. I began to ask her to turn off the lights as she left rooms, and only turn on the lights while she was using them. She looked at me in amazement and proclaimed, “Do you realize how minuscule a light is on our electricity bill?” I would usually reply with the Benjamin Franklin quote, “Small leaks sink great ships.” She’d eventually reluctantly agree to say, “I’ll try.”

Day after day, I would come home with every light in the house on. I’d ask her again, each time slightly louder, but it seemed to never happen. The story came to conclusion inside my head. It consisted of “She doesn’t care what I think” or “She can’t hear what I’m asking of her” or even “She’s doing this on purpose to shove it in my face!” With each story, my anger grew; so much so that I eventually decided I would once and for all let her know how important it is to me – by punching a hole in the bathroom wall! Darci stood there frightened. She didn’t know what to do. Would I hit her next time? Would I destroy our home? She didn’t know and she was afraid.

Information leads to reasons

If I’d asked myself a question this might have been avoided. “Does she love me?” And I knew the answer was yes. Then there’s got to be a reason for it, right?

My rage subsided and I asked her, “Don’t you care about me…about what I say or need? I feel like my requests go in one ear and out the other.” I was sad, and in turn the stories I made up made me angry. She answered, “Yes I care about you and your needs. I just keep forgetting. I’m not doing it on purpose.” We made up and I apologized, but the hole in the wall was still there for me to fix – one of many casualties I’ve created by jumping to conclusions.

Later, after finding out Darci’s personality, it’s pretty normal for her to forget things like that – to be ultra-focused on the task at hand and sometimes forget the rules. She did love and care about me – she just sometimes forgot. My personality focuses on what is not being done more than what is being done. Hmmm…Since finding this out, I tend to pause before jumping to conclusions so quickly.

Patience and questions cure stories and thoughts

Back to the Steven Avery case, I quickly posted on my Facebook page my frustrations with the authorities in Making a Murderer. I won’t give away the documentary but since then I began to investigate and ask questions. I found all sorts of evidence and testimony that the documentary left out – just like the story in my head about the lights! Evidence and testimony I never saw that, if I had seen, would have given me answers and perhaps changed my opinions of the case. Netflix seems to have left that out to create the uproar you’ve probably been hearing about in this decade old case. I can’t say if he is guilty of murder or not, but I can say that I was absolutely sure he was innocent before hearing the other side of the story.

Ask for the information

When you find yourself offended, angry, sad, lonely or in fear, ask questions. Chances are you are just making up a story and jumping to a conclusion that isn’t even there. Confronting the situation with calm questioning and stating how you feel can give you the answers and reasons you need to make a better decision. The act of asking questions alone and realizing that your vision could be blurred can sometimes cause a pause and calm the situation enough for you to see a different perspective. Before condemning, choose to see their side of the story, and you just might not create a hole in the wall you’ll have to fix later!

The Journey Training  can help with things like making up stories that you may not be aware of. Perhaps you are operating in ways that continually frustrate you; that if you could see a different perspective and make a different choice, would allow you to create the life you truly want. Sign up for the very next Threshold class to learn dozens of tools like this that you can immediately implement in your life, creating the life you truly want and not the one that creates a frustrated you!

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Brussel Sprouts and Committment By:  Christina Loveless

Brussel Sprouts and Committment By: Christina Loveless

I don’t think there is a more polarizing vegetable. At the mention of them the reactions are generally one of “Yuck!” Some people say just the name leaves a bad taste in their mouth. I, however, am one of the ones in the other camp; I happen to love them.

I didn’t grow up eating Brussel sprouts; in fact, I didn’t even try them until I was in my twenties. I think that made the difference. Those who were forced to eat them before their palate was ready have rejected those poor little miniature cabbages for all eternity.

How often do we do the same thing with certain habits?

Experience changes things

Say you tried dieting before you were fully ready to commit. You wouldn’t have much success, right? Perhaps you thought to yourself, “I hate dieting! This isn’t for me,” and you just gave up and never tried to diet again because of that early failure.

Allow your palate to mature and give it a second (or third or fourth…) try. As we grow and change throughout our lives, we are more able to see connections that we couldn’t before. Our experiences in different parts of life are able to shape our thoughts and decisions in the rest of our life.

Take money for example. As an impulsive young woman, I had to have a tight grip on my finances. I had to know exactly what my bank balance was and what my upcoming bills were before I would allow myself to go to the mall.

I thought constantly about how much was ok to spend and where the line in the sand would be on my spending limit, whether it was for a new clothes or groceries. I couldn’t simply enjoy going out with friends, I obsessed over what I would allow myself to spend on dinner. I stopped eating out altogether at one point, choosing to eat at home and meet up with everyone else later. All of that worrying was what I thought budgeting was.

I told myself that worrying was the only way of being smart with money. In effect, I let my money control me. I hated it! When my husband and I first got engaged, I happily gave him pretty much total control of the money and budgeting. I gave away my power with it and for years, I would avoid any conversation that was centered around money.

Fear breeds avoidance

Being afraid of money isn’t healthy. I just wasn’t mature enough to learn how to budget properly and find a way that made me comfortable. This is still something that I struggle with, due to some deeper issues, but I’m slowly (very slowly!) finding ways to make my budget work for me and not the other way around.

Face your brussel sprouts!

Maybe you have been avoiding brussel sprouts for too long. Try them in a different way. Try them roasted instead of boiled. Or sautéed up with bacon and cranberries. Instead of counting calories and being afraid of food, find a different diet that works with how you are NOW. Instead of being afraid of money, find a budget plan that works with your lifestyle (and personality). Instead of forcing yourself to date the way everyone else does, find something that works for you.

So the next time you hear your friends talk about Brussel sprouts, don’t just shudder and say “Yuck!” Think about how you can see them in a different light.

Christina is a graduate of The Journey Training. The Journey Training is an experiential training that can help you see different perspectives, conquer your fears, and find different directions to success. Perhaps you’ve been struggling with something even though the answer has been right there in front of you. Maybe you just need to pause, take a breath, and step sideways so as to see things from a different perspective. The Journey Training can help you do that! Sign up for the next Threshold class today!

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Building Blocks

Building Blocks

When I was writing my book Lose Your Quit in 2011, I noticed something: that every experience I had on The Biggest Loser built on an experience before to create something completely different. I also noticed that these experiences were similar to experiences I had previously in my life. This time they were magnified by television and also, I believe I was better equipped to deal with them – maybe because I had visited them before.

Life is Fractal

Fractal Geometry is an amazing thing. When I first heard of it, I didn’t quite know what it was. Simply, it is a recurring pattern found in mathematics that is also found in nature. Wikipedia puts it like this: “A fractal is a natural phenomenon or a mathematical set that exhibits a repeating pattern that displays at every scale. It is also known as expanding symmetry or evolving symmetry. If the replication is exactly the same at every scale, it is called a self-similar pattern.”

I believe that life is built on fractal and self-similar patterns. I’ve heard that “history repeats itself,” which I believe is not only a natural thing, but it is a God created thing. First, let me explain Fractal Geometry in nature. If you look at a tree, there is a correlation between the distances between the branches on the trunk, and the twigs on the branches. That same mathematical pattern is reproduced in the veins on the leaves. It is also seen in everything from snowflakes, pine cones, and even in the meanders of a river. I believe it I also found in our lives.

I relate these situations in my life. The first home I can remember was a house in Del City, Oklahoma. I was four years old when we lived there. I shared a room with my two sisters, and my grandma lived with us. That house was HUGE! When I got married, I bought the house for Darci and I to live in. Let me tell you – that house is SMALL! 700 square feet to be exact! Two bedrooms, a living room, 1 bathroom and a small kitchen. It had no laundry room and a detached garage. Why did it seem so big as a kid, and so small as an adult?

Experience Shrinks Things (or does it?)

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I want to poke whoever wrote that in the eye! When we were kids, a simple, “What’s wrong with you?” can cut to the core. Maybe you thought, “there must be something wrong with me if they’re asking” or “there’s all kinds of things wrong with me.” When someone says that now, it has less impact on me, or at least I’d like to think it does.

In life, we experience similar pain at different points of my life. When we were asked what was wrong with us as a child, that can be repeated with “why did you do that?” or “that’s not what I would have done.” We even begin to ask ourselves that question: What is wrong with me?

When someone hurt me as a child, it made me feel a certain way. Since then, I have experienced other hurts that produced a similar feeling, and my actions and thoughts go back to that point when I was a child – along with the feelings. It makes me subconsciously relive that old hurt, and in turn I feel I am no further down the road in my life. In fact, I am much further along, and that self-similar pattern creates an opportunity for me. I can revert back to that child and react in a childish way, or I can use my experiences and deal with the situation in a different, healthier way – like I did on The Biggest Loser.

Respond, don’t React

When I was on the Black Team on the show, I found myself alone. My team had an alliance, and I wasn’t a part of that. To make a long story short, my team threw a weigh-in with the goal of self-preservation, and when they lost they planned to vote me home. And to top things off, Jillian Michaels – my coach – knew about this and coached them through it! I felt betrayed, and it took me back to the child that felt like I didn’t matter when all everyone talked about was his older sisters and how great they were. Every year, the teacher usually said, “You’ve got quite a name to live up to!” And guess what – I spent my entire life trying to live up to expectations that I had put on myself – that I could never achieve no matter what I would accomplish.

Each time I “revisit” an event that takes me back, I tend to react just like that child. I throw a temper tantrum, cry, feel hopeless, and if it makes me angry, I rage! I feel that these recurring events in our life – that are fractal in nature – are opportunities. They are opportunities for us to choose a different, more productive path for ourselves than we did in the past.

When I was betrayed on The Biggest Loser, I raged at first. Then I collected myself and remembered what my rage brought me in my past. I went back to when those events seemed much larger in my life. I wanted a different outcome this time! So I weighed my opportunities. I could punch Jillian out, or perhaps my teammates. OUTCOME: Jail. I could quit the show and give up. OUTCOME: Opportunity Loss.

Building BlocksI chose different. If I was the Biggest Loser of the week (lost the most percentage of weight), I was immune and they couldn’t vote me off. I chose to respond rather than react by kicking it into high gear and lapping everyone! OUTCOME: Record Holder for 7-weeks in a row double digit weight loss, and the Biggest Loser ever among the men of the show, and let’s not forget $250,000 and the title of The Biggest Loser! I’LL TAKE IT!

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Bricks: By Susan Cunningham

Bricks: By Susan Cunningham

Bricks.  We put them in place, seal them with our agreement, and reach for the next one.  No one else puts them in our wall, for it is our wall alone.  What wall, you ask?  It’s the wall that we put in front of us to keep us from being successful.

“Not me!” you exclaim. “I only want to be successful, and I’m going for it!”  Well, why haven’t you?  Wait. What’s that I see?  A brick of insecurity?  “What if I get this promotion and people don’t treat me the same?”  And that brick of fear… “I can’t step out towards my dream because I might fail.”  What about that brick of self-loathing?  “I’ve never done anything successfully, and this probably won’t work either.”  The brick options are infinite, but they all serve a purpose: keeping us where we are right now – or even moving us backwards!

We all have bricks, and we all have choices to make with those bricks.  When we build a wall in front of us, we are justified in staying “stuck.”  After all, everyone around should be able to see that we CAN’T move forward – there’s a wall.  It’s not my fault.  It’s not my responsibility.  It’s a wall, and walls are meant to hold people away.

Truly, others around you can see that you are hiding behind fears and insecurities.  It shows on your face, and often, what you say reveals how much you have penned yourself in.  Others would love to help you, but they can’t tear down your wall.  Only you can do that. Because it’s your wall.

Isn’t it time to tear at least one of those bricks away?  You can, you know.  That brick of being afraid to fail is one of the most common and can be found in almost every person’s life.  But it doesn’t have to hold you back.  It doesn’t have to stay in your wall.  You can tear it down, but you need the tools to do so.   The Journey Training will give you the tools and teach you how to use them.  Take a step toward your dreams.  Bring the wall with you when you come to The Journey Training and learn how to tear it down!

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